THE ILLNESS: PEOPLE PLEASING.
I am turning 35 in 7 sleeps, as I write this blog post, (NOTE: I have a 5-year-old daughter, so everything is currently calculated by the number of times you have to go to bed before you get to do something). I would like to say 34 was a magical year, and I can’t wait to tell you all the wonderful things I did, but 34 was a year of transformation, growth, grief, exhaustion, and the realization that I was living with an illness. This illness was not diagnosed by a doctor, specialist or naturopath. It was diagnosed by a lot of counselling, journaling, soul searching and life coaching. The illness: People pleasing. I want to tell you all about how I came to the realization that I have a major people pleasing problem, and how I went about fixing it. Now, I am not fully healed…. In fact, just yesterday, I texted my friend at work and told her I wouldn’t be joining her on our lunch break, because I needed to clock out, get into my car and drive so I could have a good cry. I pulled 6 Kleenex from the box on my desk, put them in my pocket and bolted as fast as I could to my car with my head down, so know one could see the stream of tears rolling down my face. I was having a day where the repercussions of my old people pleasing ways had hit me so hard, that I uncontrollably couldn’t stop sobbing. 34 years of people pleasing does not go down the drain in just one year. It’s a practise. Like working out, eating right, or any other daily ritual. Some days it’s easy, some days it’s hard, and some days you will fuck it up and fall back into the trap, but the good news is, you can ALWAYS get back on track.
The day I realized I had a major people pleasing problem, I was sitting at my desk working away at my job when my cell phone rang. DAYCARE appeared across the top off my iPhone. Shit! I thought as I reached to answer my phone. See the daycare only calls when something is wrong, so naturally I started to panic. “Hello?” I answered.
“Hi Angie, sorry to bother you at work,” a concerned voice said, “Mila is in the bathroom and we can hear her crying, but she won’t come out or tell us what’s wrong. She just keeps asking for her mom?” The daycare provider told me. “Okay, could you please put her on the phone.” I answered, “Tell her mom is on the phone and she really would like to talk to her.”
It felt like an eternity for her to get my daughter on the phone.
“Ok, Angie here she is.”
I could hear my daughter sobbing through the phone line. Her sadness killed me. I wanted to jump in my SUV and drive to her as quickly as I could.
“Mila, are you ok? What’s wrong? Tell mom…. Mila talk to me, tell me what’s wrong.” I was freaking out.
“Mom….” Her voice was the saddest I had ever heard it. “When are you going to come home, I miss you mom, and your never home. When will you come get me?” She cried.
I was speechless.
I had noticed at the beginning of the month when signing the attendance report at daycare that my daughter, had the largest number of hours at the center. And trust me, I am not bragging to you when I write this. I was utterly disgusted when I signed my name on the report. To be quite honest it broke my heart on more than one occasion. It is devastating to see that your child is the one that spends the most time out of any other child, at the daycare, because you’re too busy working, to try to become something better than you currently are with your company.
“Honey, I will do everything in my power to get home early tonight. Mommy wants to be with you!” I told my heartbroken daughter as I choked back my own tears.
“I love you Mila, you know that. I am going to work so hard to get home to read you your bed time story, Ok!!”
“Dry your tears beautiful, I’ll be home soon. I love you, baby bug, now go play with your friends.” I told her, drying my own tears with a Kleenex.
“Okay, Good bye, mommy, I miss you!”
“I miss you more, beautiful.” I said as my heart sank to my stomach.
I immediately went to the bathroom at work, pulled sheets of paper towel from the dispenser and shoved them over my face as I sobbed, trying not to let anyone here me.
It was that moment where I started to re evaluate my life and ask myself if the torture and pain I was putting myself through, trying to please my boss, so he would FINALLY give me the promotion he promised, was worth it. This career path I chose was not for the love of the job, it was a decision I made to do what it takes in order too bring my family back to ground level after we lost all our money and our house after we closed our business. I blamed myself for the closure of that store. I placed all the guilt onto my shoulders, so I decided, that I was going to do WHATEVER it took to buy my house back and get rid of all the debt. But at what cost?
No word of a lie, I was like a dog with a bone at that job. My boss would wave the bone above where I could reach, and I would just keep jumping for it. And every time I sat like a good girl with my puppy dog eyes, begging for my boss to finally give me the promotion, he waved that bone just a little higher above my reach. It was as pathetic as it sounds. I did whatever they wanted. I was determined to get that job. And if pleasing him, meant that I was going to get that job, then that is what I did. I did whatever it took, even if it meant putting my own self at risk. Which on several occasions I hate to admit, I did?
The people pleasing didn’t end at work. either. No, no, no…. I was people pleasing “friends” for friendships. I was people pleasing family members, for there love and affection. I was masking my own insecurities by people pleasing. The happier other people were with me, the happier I was. As a matter of fact, one of my favourite compliments to hear was, “Angie, I don’t know HOW you do it all???” Like constantly running around, with black eyes, un showered hair, exhausted, bouncing from one place to the next, trying to make everyone fucking happy, is a compliment!!! Looking back, it makes me sick. I was working hard, making others happy, making people proud, keeping them thinking that I was a super human.
I recently came across a picture of my daughter and I that I took last winter of 2017, and it made my stomach turn. I was mortified. Not only did I look exhausted, but I look lost, empty and lifeless. And that is truly what I was. I was lifeless. I was living a life for everyone else around me, and I didn’t have a clue what I wanted. All I knew was that no matter what, I was never going to allow my family to go to that place of utter darkness again. But the truth is, it only got darker from here. We have all heard, that you must take care of yourself first, before you take care of others. But what happens when you only know how to take care of other people? What happens when you don’t even know what makes you happy?
“What creates joy in your life?” my life coach asked me, shortly after I quit my soul sucking job.
“My daughter and husband are #1 for sure, my family, my career, my photography, my job as a spin instructor…...” I had no clue how to answer this question.
“Okay,” she replied looking at me wide eyed, “I am glad that your family is at the top of your list, and your job is important because it allows you to live. I am really glad you love photography and the spin studio so much, but those are jobs, too.”
I just stared at her. I had no idea what to say? You’re the life coach I thought, tell me what I am supposed to do!!
“Where are you on that list. How can you take care of all these things properly, if you don’t take care of yourself first?”
I sat there in silence, thinking about the words she just said. I thought about the airplane mask demonstration that the flight attendants do before take-off. Always put your mask on before your child or anyone else. Why is that, I always wondered? Well, it’s because you can’t help anyone else with there mask, if your passing out, right? You must put your mask on first, so you can help others with there’s, and YES this means your child too! It’s the same in your daily life. If you aren’t taking care of yourself, how the hell do you expect to show up for your children, husband, girlfriend, whoever!!!
“I don’t know how to take care of myself. I don’t know what I even like anymore. My whole life has been built around making others happy, and I honestly don’t know what makes me happy, other than making those around me happy,” I cried reaching for the Kleenex box, “That’s what makes me happy, making everyone else like me.”
I was sent home with a list of books to read, some journaling and some meditation exercises to start working on becoming who Angie Leah Jones really is. Truthfully, I still have a lot of work to do to get over this people pleasing business. As tough as this is to admit, the people pleasing tendencies do visit me often, and I have fallen back into the trap a few times over the course of this year. My self care still lacks, as I am trying to build my photography and writing career. However, I now know, that I want to share my stories, I want to empower women, I want women at any age, any size, to look at themselves and say, “I am BEAUTIFUL, I am STRONG, I am CONFIDENT.” And I want them to mean it. I want to bring women up, in a world that is constantly trying to bring us down. And I know whole heartedly that this is a huge part of who I am, and what I am meant to do. I know that if I can share the battles I have been through, and if I can share the fears that brought me triumphs, then I am fulfilling my life’s destiny. And I believe that all those things are a direct reflection of making me happy and make me feel like the Angie Leah Jones I want to be.
I am coloring my hair a fun rose gold color that I love but was to afraid to wear, I am saving for the thick frame bold glasses that I have dreamt about, and on my 35 birthdays after years of talking about it, I am heading to the local tattoo shop to book in for the forearm tattoo I have been thinking about for years. Because those things light me up, and are a true reflection of what I want and who I am. And if you don’t like my hair color, my glasses, or my tattoo, for the first time in my entire life…. I DON’ T CARE! Because those who truly love me, will be there for me no matter what my hair color is.
So, can I ask you to do me a favour? Whether or not you are a people pleaser, once a week I want you to write down one thing that you can do for yourself, that makes your soul happy. One thing that will fill your cup up, make you feel fabulous, one thing that is not for anybody but you. Some examples: Take a bubble bath with a glass of wine or tea, go get a manicure or pedicure, go to Starbucks and order that fancy coffee and get lost in a good book, take yourself for lunch, whatever feels good to you. One thing a week! That’s it. I want you to find one guilty pleasure and make it all about you. Something that you wouldn’t normally do and go do that thing. Women tend to bounce around taking care of everyone else, and sometimes we lose sight of who we really are. Get into the groove of people pleasing yourself. You will be amazed at what even one hour a week can do for your soul.
I would love to hear your feedback on how yourself care is going. Feel free to email me for DM me through Facebook or Instagram. You are so worth it.
Till next week. XO, Angie