My Prayer Went A Little Like This.
As we enter the new decade, I have been struggling to remember what I was doing, feeling and thinking ten years ago. As I scrolled Facebook and Instagram reading everyone’s captions about there triumphs and heartbreaks in the previous years, I tried to imagine 10 years ago, what I was thinking and feeling. I headed straight to my Facebook albums to refresh my memory.
My stomach filled with knots as I quested to remember who I was a decade ago. I started opening up pictures, and I saw myself so much differently than I thought of myself back then. My mind had been calling twenty six year old Angie a loser, stupid, financially irresponsible, dumb, failure and all kinds of other hateful terms for YEARS.
But!
When I opened up the photos I saw something completely different. I saw courage. I saw resilience. I saw a girl who at 23 knowing nothing about the retail industry, build a business, get a loan, and operate and run her own clothing boutique for 3 years. I saw a girl who hosted customer appreciation nights with wine and cheese trays. I saw her bringing her clients in a limo to the Hillberg & Berk fashion shows in Regina. I saw her hosting fashion shows to raise money for the Cancer society. I saw a girl who confidently working her ass off to achieve big things.
In 2011, I closed the clothing boutique doors. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. It wasn’t even because I was worried what everyone was thinking, it was more because my dreams had been shattered and I was now forced to go to a job. My whole life I never pictured myself working somewhere, always doing something I loved that came with some type of monetary value. As a young girl, I wanted to be a singer. Then into my twenties I fell in love with retail and working with women to make them feel beautiful in clothes they love. In 2018 when my life hit an all time low, I decided that sitting miserably at a desk doing something I hate for the rest of my life was not an option, however, my bank account told me it was necessary and so I believed that lie.
When I prayed to God in December of 2018 outside the Grant Hall Hotel and asked him to help me, I had no idea how quickly he would respond to my prayer. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had exhaustingly cleaned up and packed my gear into my car after a full day of shooting boudoir. I had one day to edit three boudoir sessions, before heading to work Monday morning. With the Christmas crunch all of the women needed there images ASAP. I could barely move my body after shooting three boudoir sessions, working full time that week at my desk job and teaching 2 spin classes. I was exhausted. My prayer went a little like this:
Dear God,
Thank you so much for the opportunity to shoot these amazing women. I absolutely loved every moment of it. I am so grateful you sent them to me. Lord, I don’t know how long I can handle this for. Working full time and photography getting busier is beginning to be harder than I thought. I know we need the money lord, but is there anyway we can figure this out? Is there any chance that you could help guide me to how I can handle this better. I’m so burnt out and tired God. I’m listening. Please tell me what to do God. I’ll do whatever you ask. Love Angie. Amen.
Less than 4 weeks later I was let go without cause from my job. No joke.
God had opened up this opportunity for courageous, resilient Angie to make a come back. Going back to those photos the other day made me realize that instead of taking my past failures and shitting all over that poor young twenty six year old Angie, I should be applauding her. I should be learning from her. I should be tapping back into that powerhouse. I need her courage.
(Pause.I have to stop writing to cry this out)
God - The Universe... I refer back and forth in my blogs..... Source, gave me a 10 year education. I worked for companies where I learnt how a business should be run. I learnt the back end of finances, accounts receivable, accounts payable, customer service, problem solving, computer programs, how to type, how to use an accounting calculator, how to market companies, how to put on big events, how to help staff when they are in trouble, the list goes on and on. Those ten years were the missing piece to the puzzle that I needed in order to be a successful business woman. God didn’t give up on me, he just detoured me, shook me up a little and provided me with some major major lessons to catapult me into success for the business I am currently growing.
What I once looked at as dooms days, I now look at completely differently. That girl I used to beat up and hate (Angie in her 20’s), I am now admiring and tapping into her strength.
I’m glad I took a trip down memory lane and took a clear look at that decade old version of Angie. I changed my entire mindset on her and now use her powers to help me with the scary things I am doing in my business now. Because that’s what entrepreneurship is. It’s scary, exhilarating, and amazing all at the same time.
If you have been hiding from your past self, I would urge you to take a small trip down memory lane and look for all the good that went down in your past scary part of life. Tap into that part of yourself and release all the feelings you have tied into that time of your life. Look for the amazing in the pain. You might be really surprised at what you find. I certainly was. Twenty six year old Angie was pretty dam amazing. And I have tapped into her courage to take my photography business, writing and speaking careers to a whole new level.
I am glad I took a few moments to revisit the old me. We often hear, the past is in the past, let it go and move forward, which I do agree with. However, I have held onto so much fear, anger and resentment from that time, that it was still effecting my present moments. A time in my life that I had stuffed far far away and never ever wanted to revisit again, suddenly had a new light shining on it 10 years later. Present Angie saw past Angie as less of a failure and more of a warrior. It truly helped me tap into some new feelings to help propel me forward in my current business. There were tears looking at those photos. I felt badly at how angry I have been at her, when she was doing the best she could with what she knew at the time. But I left that Facebook memory check, changed. Stronger. Past Angie may have made a lot of mistakes, but she also did a lot of things right. She believed in herself. She worked hard. She did whatever it took. And she did it without fear. She went after what she wanted full throttle. Present Angie needed to tap into that, and for that I am grateful that I had this experience.
Where were you ten years ago? What can we learn from the past by visiting memory lane? How can you heal the possible negativity associated with your past decade self?
Looking back can sometimes be painful and scary, but it can also be enlightening. I had forgot how courageous and spunky I was.
I am so grateful I had this experience and I look forward to tapping into the energies of past Angie more often.
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I have a wicked styled couples shoot happening this January and February shooting on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays that will be less of a photo shoot and more of an experience for you and your partner. This is a styled couples shoot for all couples. We will sip mimosa & champagne in my downtown studio and eat chocolate covered strawberries and capture images that will keep you smiling for a lifetime. The goal is to create a cozy snuggly bedroom session. For myself, some of my favourite moments are snuggling with my husband in bed and I want to create images of love and connection that you will want for cherish forever. The session comes with professional make-up and is only being offered at this price for the month of January and February. To book feel free to direct message me on social media or email angieleahphotography@gmail.com. I would love to create images showing your connection.
Xo, Angie