Confidence: Feeling or showing confidence in oneself; self-assured.

Confidence: Feeling or showing confidence in oneself; self-assured.

It was August of this year when I realized that I have a major issue with self confidence. There were several light bulb moments that lead me to the realization that I have little to no self confidence. Starting with a podcast on the drive to my parents cabin. It was just my daughter Mila and I travelling alone in my SUV to Shebandowan Lake in Ontario. My daughter had fallen asleep so I was able to listen to a podcast. I selected a Boss Babes episode that started discussing Co-Founder Natalie Ellis’s routine with her husband that made me all of a sudden start listening up. She discussed how her husband cares so much about her work, and wants to see her succeed. That he is so invested in her business that he wants to help her out as much as possible, all while holding down a career of his own. I just kept thinking to myself, I don’t even know if my husband has any clue at all about my business and what I do. If he does, he certainly doesn’t seem interested in it. Is it weird that he doesn’t care and Natalie Ellis’s husband does?

This bothered me for the first few days of my trip. I thought it was pretty normal for a husband to not really care about his wife’s career or what she is up to. But hearing how much her husband wants to know about her business made me crazy envious. I wanted my husband to care like hers did. What was I doing wrong? How can I make him want to care about it? All of these questions were twirling in my mind. 

I had decided to read the book Girl stop Apologizing by Rachel Hollis on this exact same trip. It didn’t take to many chapters to realize why I was so annoyed with the Boss Babes podcast. All of a sudden while reading this book, I felt like someone took a base ball bat and hit me square across the face. I suddenly felt sick like I wanted to throw up. Tears filled up my eyes and I fell to the floor. It was the realization that ALL of my self confidence was coming from everyone else around me. I was only confident when my parents were happy with me. When my grandma was happy with me. When my husband was happy with me. When my daughter was happy with me. I had put all of my self worth into the hands of everyone else around me. When it didn’t work, I worked harder. When I wasn’t shining bright, I did something bigger to get noticed. The problem with this is though, you only shine bright for a short while when you put your confidence in the hands of someone else. And that’s exactly what happened to me. I vibrated high when I did something that made someone close to me feel good. I vibrated low when they were mad, or upset and I just wasn’t good enough for them. I would start working on my next plan to impress and make them like me again. 

What the actual fuck was going on with me? Why did I feel this way? Why did I need to make everyone love me? 

I was hit with shock after shock of realizations of all the places I was failing in life due to this lack of confidence in myself. The worse part is..... I would listen to some women in my boudoir studio, rip there bodies apart and I could barely listen to them speak to themselves that way. Sometimes it would draw me to straight tears. As a matter of fact I would stop them and tell them my studio is a no hate zone. Then I would continue to tell them all the beauty I see in them, which was completely genuine. It would rip me to shreds to hear them talk that way about themselves. But me?? Who am I without the love of others..... No one. My whole life was dependant on making other people happy. 

That was hard to type out. 

MY WHOLE LIFE WAS DEPENDANT ON MAKING OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY. 

Caring so much about what my family members, friends, Co-workers, husband were all thinking, was literally killing me, meanwhile this book is telling me that what my friends and family think is none of my business. That only what I think of me is important. And so began the next step.

What do I think of me?

That was an even harder realization. When I really sat and thought about it I don’t think much about myself at all. According to me, I should have a successful photography company already. It should be sending us to Hawaii twice a year, affording the Reno’s at my home that I want, and getting me all the lighting, camera equipment and other things I desire for my studio, all while providing me with a $80,000-$100,000 per year career. 

You might be laughing but that’s what I believed. I also figured I should be JLO hot by now, and financially stable with a nice vehicle to drive. I can tell you honestly that none of that has happened and therefore my confidence was non existent. I am never good enough for myself, and I felt bad my family had nothing exciting to say about me. 

My cell phone had gotten cut off one morning while I was at my parents cabin because I hadn’t paid the bill. I was so stressed that I had screwed up my bill that I jumped on my paddle board and paddled far away from the shore. I paddled out towards a cute little island near the side of the lake and I lied down on the board to meditate. I wish I could say I do this often, but this was one of the first times I had done it in a very long time. It was like constant chaos streaming around in my head. It was noisy. 

I began to pray. 

God. If you can hear me. Show me a sign. Am I going to be okay? I have no idea what I am doing. I have no idea if this business is working. I have no idea if my husband cares about my business or me. I have no idea what to do, but I can’t keep going like this. Will I ever love myself, ever? Is it possible for me to love myself the way I love others. I need a sign god. And I need it soon. Show me a butterfly god. I need a butterfly if I’m going to be okay. If not, I will give up on photography and I’ll go back to work. Show me the fucking butterfly god, please. I don’t know what to do and I’m scared. 

Less than 24 hours later while on a walk with my mom and daughter, the biggest monarch butterfly I have ever seen came flying right out in front of me, I kid you not. It landed on a bush near where I was walking. I was so shocked and excited that I ran into my parents cabin, grabbed my camera and took a picture. A sense of calm came rushing over my body and I suddenly felt a sense of peace that I had never felt before. 

I had absolutely no idea what was going to happen after I saw that Monarch butterfly. I knew it wasn’t a miraculous fix, but it was the start of something new. It was the start of learning to like myself. That sense of peace that washed over me was a feeling I wanted to get used to.

I didn’t take this universal assignment lightly. I came home from that trip and got straight to work. I deleted myself from Instagram accounts that didn’t make me feel good. I left relationships that didn’t light me up. I started including things in my day that I felt would make me happy. In November of 2019 I finally took a major self confidence leap and I booked myself a photo shoot for branding my business. Then shortly after that I sent a deposit to go get mentored and shot by my boudoir idol, photographer Jennifer Williams. And let me be clear, it didn’t take me any convincing to go work and be mentored by her, it took convincing myself that I was worthy enough to spend that kind of money on myself. It felt icky, gross and wrong but I knew it was EXACTLY what needed to happen to help set me up on a path of self confidence, and worthiness. Then I booked myself a business coach to elevate my business. Then I joined a mastermind. And now I am working on goals and ways to meet my goals that I once thought were impossible, and making them possible. 

This took me weeks, and I am still struggling. Not everyday is a perfect day. I still have days where I think I am a shitty photographer and I have no idea how anyone wants to book me, but those days are becoming farther and fewer between. Each and everyday that God blesses me with is another day that I get the privilege to continue falling in love with myself. To remove the feelings of failure and reach towards the CEO position of Angie Leah Photography. 

Each day I choose how I show up. Each day that I get knocked down I can decide to stay down or reach out to the people that I know will help climb me to the top. 

Having confidence means facing fears and challenges head on, no matter what the outcome is. Having confidence means caring more about yourself and the effects of circumstances on YOU before ANYONE else. Having confidence means that you don’t need anyone else’s approval but your own. Having confidence is the ability to stand up for yourself and what you think is right, without worrying if your hurting anyone else’s feelings. 

It is not easy. And I still get weird when I affirm everyday to myself in the mirror that I am amazing. I am strong. I am abundant. I am an award winning photographer. I am beautiful. I am healthy. I am fit. Etc. Etc. But each day I start to believe it a little bit more. Your confidence level is directly attached to the stories you are telling yourself everyday. If your like I was and your waiting for everyone else to boost up your confidence than, you need to ask yourself why does someone else’s opinion of you hold greater power than your own thoughts and feelings? 

Life is this big messed up journey. A roller coaster ride. But the ride is a hell of a lot better if you love yourself. If you believe in yourself. And you work really hard at making yourself happy instead of everyone else. If there is one lesson I could teach people, it’s do whatever it takes to make you happy every single day. Forget what everyone else think or wants for you and focus on what you want for you. 

If 2020 is the year that you have decided to step into your power and own your confidence, than it is time to book your boudoir shoot to kick start your self love journey. For readers of this blog post only, I am offering an exclusive deal. Ladies reading this post can DM or email me at angieleahphotography@gmail.com to receive a 30 minute boudoir mini session in January or February with 2 outfits, professional make-up and a viewing for only $299.00 + tax. I want you to love yourself so fiercely this 2020 that I am offering this exclusive offer to the first 10 women who message me with the code boudoir2020. $99.00 non refundable retainer to book and the remainder is due 24 hours before your shoot. No images are included with this package and must be purchased separately. Payment plans for digitals, albums etc are available.

This is your year. Let’s bust through fears and get confident and feeling sexy together. Let me transform you into the goddess I know you are. Offer ends January 5, 2020 or when the maximum number of sales has been reached. Book now! You won’t want to miss this. Xo