After being so dependent on other people’s opinions, I have struggled with friendships in the last year. With 2018 coming to a close, I have done a lot of reflecting. I have kissed several unhealthy, toxic friendships good bye and in turn I have replenished old friendships, I have become best friends with my husband again, and I have figured out who I am. It got me thinking, why did I have to go through so much heart ache to get here? Why did it have to hurt so bad to get to where I am now?

Here is what I came up with. I had to get used. I had to get spit out a couple of times, in order for me to crumble and see that I was losing myself. I needed a severe wake up call to shake me to my core and remind me that I too am a human being that is worthy of love. I was driving on the highway a few weeks ago, when I had an Ah Ha moment. One particular person in my life had literally made me their personal assistant. It hit me so clearly. I was not their friend, this person liked me because I would do anything for them. When I realized this, my mind posed another question? Why did I do it? The hard truth is, I wanted someone to love me. I liked feeling needed and wanted. It made me feel liked and loved. I had someone to hang out with and it made for a great social media feed. I was able to hide all my true feelings, because the short term of these friendships made me feel special. My whole world was wrapped up in what other people thought of me. It really hurts me to write this now, but it was what I needed to go through to get to where I am now. Where I am now is not perfect, but it is so much better that where I was one year ago from now. I don’t hate these old friends. I am not mad, and I am not sad any longer. I am so grateful for the hard lessons, the tears I shed, the pure hurt that crushed my heart. Without it I would never have realized how out of touch with Angie I really was. I would have continued down this path of people pleasing and self-destruction. So, I choose to send love to the people that used and hurt me. I wish them nothing but the best. I just want nothing to do with them anymore. And that is okay. 

Now I hope that I have not made it sound like this path was all cupcakes and rainbows. If you are going through something similar, or know that you need to purge friendships, I can tell you for a super sensitive person, that has put all their self-worth into the hands of others, it was devastating. It was like going through a bad break-up. But the outcome has been worth every tear that I shed. I used the fuel from this fire to create a new life for myself. I have become the mom I always wanted to be, the wife that I want to be, the entrepreneur that I have dreamed of, and I finally started writing again after years of burying that dream. When you can take your hurt and turn it into something amazing, there is no better feeling. What this took was getting really clear about who I am and where I want to go. I did a vision board for myself. I posted what I wanted for Angie. At first, that was hard because I honestly wasn’t too sure. Things kept popping into my head, and I just kept adding to the ideal vision of myself. It took a few months before I became totally clear on my direction and vision. Now it is a daily tool that I use. Write down who I am, where I am going and how I am going to get there, and then I live everyday as if I have already mastered those goals. And now, I have no doubt in my mind that I will achieve it. 

Another thing that really helped me, was I started to look for a mentor. I wrote down the qualities I loved about this person, and I made this as part of my goals. This mentor to me is pure class. She cares very little about the opinion of others. She is an amazing mom. She is an incredible wife, and her and her husband LOVE hanging out with each other. She cares little about fashion trends but dresses the way that makes her feel fabulous, and she ALWAYS looks polished and amazing. She loves to travel. She loves fitness. She believes in the importance of a healthy lifestyle, but also never misses having a huge slice of her kid’s birthday cake, and always has fries when dining out. She isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty, but her nails are always manicured. She takes care of number one (herself) first and foremost, so that she is able to take excellent care of her family. She doesn’t care about weekend parties, or drinking all night long with her friend’s, supper and a glass of wine with a friend or two is more her style. Her life (like any life) is not perfect, but her priorities are set, she knows what she wants to achieve, and she works her butt off to ensure she is going to get there. 

When you have a vision so clear of where you want to go and how you are going to get there, it makes it almost impossible to give up on yourself. If she can do it, I can do it. It takes setting goals and taking action. If you fail, find the lesson and try again. If you fail again, try a new strategy and try again. Fail over and over and over again, till you reach your vision. The key is to believe in yourself so much that you refuse to give up on yourself. I used to think the word failure was the ultimate embarrassment. Now I know that without the massive failures I have had in my life, I would not be writing this blog right now. I wouldn’t believe in myself enough to try entrepreneurship again. If you had asked me two years ago if I would every have another business again, I would have laughed at you. Not because I didn’t want to be an entrepreneur and try my hand at photography, writing and public speaking…. But because I didn’t believe I could do it again. I had failed once already. I already closed a business and humiliated myself, I wasn’t going to do that again. Now I believe in myself so much that I just know I will be successful. I care so much about my success that I wake up early to study photography, to work on poses for boudoir, to master my editing and lighting. I care enough about myself and my business that I don’t work for free and I price myself at what I’m worth. You guys! If I can do this, so can you. I promise you it’s possible. If you are doubting yourself and don’t think you can do it, I am here to tell you that I am living proof that you can climb through that dark tunnel and make it to the light. You may get sucked back down again a time or two, but you will get there. You just have to want it and know that you are worth it and deserve more. You have to believe in yourself, and you have to have faith that no matter what, you can achieve your dreams. Your happiness is a reflection of the faith that you have in yourself. 

I just want to close my blog off today by sending out a huge thank you to all of you that open up your email every week and read what I have to write. I told my mom that if I helped even just one woman feel like they are not alone, that this blog would be worth it. The texts, emails, calls and women who have come up to me and told me how this blog has helped them has been absolutely mind blowing to me. Thank you so much for your feedback and support. To everyone who has shares my blog post on social media or with a friend, THANK YOU, this helps me reach more women and for that I am beyond grateful. From the bottom of my heart, Thank you. 

Lastly: LADIES! Boudoir prices and packages are changing as of January 1st, 2019. Anyone who purchases a boudoir package by December 31, I will honour the 2018 pricing in 2019. You may use this through the Booty Bank (My boudoir savings plan – message me for complete details. It is the ultimate way to save up for that shoot you want to do). My next Boudoir Dates are January 11 & 12, 2019. These dates are for my babes who want to have albums, prints or portfolio boxes done by Valentine’s day. Message me at angieleahphotography.com