As we enter the new decade, I have been struggling to remember what I was doing, feeling and thinking ten years ago. As I scrolled Facebook and Instagram reading everyone’s captions about there triumphs and heartbreaks in the previous years, I tried to imagine 10 years ago, what I was thinking and feeling. I headed straight to my Facebook albums to refresh my memory. 

My stomach filled with knots as I quested to remember who I was a decade ago. I started opening up pictures, and I saw myself so much differently than I thought of myself back then. My mind had been calling twenty six year old Angie a loser, stupid, financially irresponsible, dumb, failure and all kinds of other hateful terms for YEARS. 

But! 

When I opened up the photos I saw something completely different. I saw courage. I saw resilience. I saw a girl who at 23 knowing nothing about the retail industry, build a business, get a loan, and operate and run her own clothing boutique for 3 years. I saw a girl who hosted customer appreciation nights with wine and cheese trays. I saw her bringing her clients in a limo to the Hillberg & Berk fashion shows in Regina. I saw her hosting fashion shows to raise money for the Cancer society. I saw a girl who confidently working her ass off to achieve big things. 

In 2011, I closed the clothing boutique doors. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. It wasn’t even because I was worried what everyone was thinking, it was more because my dreams had been shattered and I was now forced to go to a job. My whole life I never pictured myself working somewhere, always doing something I loved that came with some type of monetary value. As a young girl, I wanted to be a singer. Then into my twenties I fell in love with retail and working with women to make them feel beautiful in clothes they love. In 2018 when my life hit an all time low, I decided that sitting miserably at a desk doing something I hate for the rest of my life was not an option, however, my bank account told me it was necessary and so I believed that lie. 

When I prayed to God in December of 2018 outside the Grant Hall Hotel and asked him to help me, I had no idea how quickly he would respond to my prayer. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had exhaustingly cleaned up and packed my gear into my car after a full day of shooting boudoir. I had one day to edit three boudoir sessions, before heading to work Monday morning. With the Christmas crunch all of the women needed there images ASAP. I could barely move my body after shooting three boudoir sessions, working full time that week at my desk job and teaching 2 spin classes. I was exhausted. My prayer went a little like this:

Dear God,

Thank you so much for the opportunity to shoot these amazing women. I absolutely loved every moment of it. I am so grateful you sent them to me. Lord, I don’t know how long I can handle this for. Working full time and photography getting busier is beginning to be harder than I thought. I know we need the money lord, but is there anyway we can figure this out? Is there any chance that you could help guide me to how I can handle this better. I’m so burnt out and tired God. I’m listening. Please tell me what to do God. I’ll do whatever you ask. Love Angie. Amen.

Less than 4 weeks later I was let go without cause from my job. No joke.

God had opened up this opportunity for courageous, resilient Angie to make a come back. Going back to those photos the other day made me realize that instead of taking my past failures and shitting all over that poor young twenty six year old Angie, I should be applauding her. I should be learning from her. I should be tapping back into that powerhouse. I need her courage.

(Pause.I have to stop writing to cry this out)

God - The Universe... I refer back and forth in my blogs..... Source, gave me a 10 year education. I worked for companies where I learnt how a business should be run. I learnt the back end of finances, accounts receivable, accounts payable, customer service, problem solving, computer programs, how to type, how to use an accounting calculator, how to market companies, how to put on big events, how to help staff when they are in trouble, the list goes on and on. Those ten years were the missing piece to the puzzle that I needed in order to be a successful business woman. God didn’t give up on me, he just detoured me, shook me up a little and provided me with some major major lessons to catapult me into success for the business I am currently growing.

What I once looked at as dooms days, I now look at completely differently. That girl I used to beat up and hate (Angie in her 20’s), I am now admiring and tapping into her strength. 

I’m glad I took a trip down memory lane and took a clear look at that decade old version of Angie. I changed my entire mindset on her and now use her powers to help me with the scary things I am doing in my business now. Because that’s what entrepreneurship is. It’s scary, exhilarating, and amazing all at the same time. 

If you have been hiding from your past self, I would urge you to take a small trip down memory lane and look for all the good that went down in your past scary part of life. Tap into that part of yourself and release all the feelings you have tied into that time of your life. Look for the amazing in the pain. You might be really surprised at what you find. I certainly was. Twenty six year old Angie was pretty dam amazing. And I have tapped into her courage to take my photography business, writing and speaking careers to a whole new level. 

I am glad I took a few moments to revisit the old me. We often hear, the past is in the past, let it go and move forward, which I do agree with. However, I have held onto so much fear, anger and resentment from that time, that it was still effecting my present moments. A time in my life that I had stuffed far far away and never ever wanted to revisit again, suddenly had a new light shining on it 10 years later. Present Angie saw past Angie as less of a failure and more of a warrior. It truly helped me tap into some new feelings to help propel me forward in my current business. There were tears looking at those photos. I felt badly at how angry I have been at her, when she was doing the best she could with what she knew at the time. But I left that Facebook memory check, changed. Stronger. Past Angie may have made a lot of mistakes, but she also did a lot of things right. She believed in herself. She worked hard. She did whatever it took. And she did it without fear. She went after what she wanted full throttle. Present Angie needed to tap into that, and for that I am grateful that I had this experience. 

Where were you ten years ago? What can we learn from the past by visiting memory lane? How can you heal the possible negativity associated with your past decade self? 

Looking back can sometimes be painful and scary, but it can also be enlightening. I had forgot how courageous and spunky I was. 

I am so grateful I had this experience and I look forward to tapping into the energies of past Angie more often.

I hope you have enjoyed this blog post. If you did, I ask that you would share it with a friend or subscribe to my blogs by entering your email and subscribing. 

I have a wicked styled couples shoot happening this January and February shooting on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays that will be less of a photo shoot and more of an experience for you and your partner. This is a styled couples shoot for all couples. We will sip mimosa & champagne in my downtown studio and eat chocolate covered strawberries and capture images that will keep you smiling for a lifetime. The goal is to create a cozy snuggly bedroom session. For myself, some of my favourite moments are snuggling with my husband in bed and I want to create images of love and connection that you will want for cherish forever. The session comes with professional make-up and is only being offered at this price for the month of January and February. To book feel free to direct message me on social media or email angieleahphotography@gmail.com. I would love to create images showing your connection.

Xo, Angie

Confidence: Feeling or showing confidence in oneself; self-assured.

It was August of this year when I realized that I have a major issue with self confidence. There were several light bulb moments that lead me to the realization that I have little to no self confidence. Starting with a podcast on the drive to my parents cabin. It was just my daughter Mila and I travelling alone in my SUV to Shebandowan Lake in Ontario. My daughter had fallen asleep so I was able to listen to a podcast. I selected a Boss Babes episode that started discussing Co-Founder Natalie Ellis’s routine with her husband that made me all of a sudden start listening up. She discussed how her husband cares so much about her work, and wants to see her succeed. That he is so invested in her business that he wants to help her out as much as possible, all while holding down a career of his own. I just kept thinking to myself, I don’t even know if my husband has any clue at all about my business and what I do. If he does, he certainly doesn’t seem interested in it. Is it weird that he doesn’t care and Natalie Ellis’s husband does?

This bothered me for the first few days of my trip. I thought it was pretty normal for a husband to not really care about his wife’s career or what she is up to. But hearing how much her husband wants to know about her business made me crazy envious. I wanted my husband to care like hers did. What was I doing wrong? How can I make him want to care about it? All of these questions were twirling in my mind. 

I had decided to read the book Girl stop Apologizing by Rachel Hollis on this exact same trip. It didn’t take to many chapters to realize why I was so annoyed with the Boss Babes podcast. All of a sudden while reading this book, I felt like someone took a base ball bat and hit me square across the face. I suddenly felt sick like I wanted to throw up. Tears filled up my eyes and I fell to the floor. It was the realization that ALL of my self confidence was coming from everyone else around me. I was only confident when my parents were happy with me. When my grandma was happy with me. When my husband was happy with me. When my daughter was happy with me. I had put all of my self worth into the hands of everyone else around me. When it didn’t work, I worked harder. When I wasn’t shining bright, I did something bigger to get noticed. The problem with this is though, you only shine bright for a short while when you put your confidence in the hands of someone else. And that’s exactly what happened to me. I vibrated high when I did something that made someone close to me feel good. I vibrated low when they were mad, or upset and I just wasn’t good enough for them. I would start working on my next plan to impress and make them like me again. 

What the actual fuck was going on with me? Why did I feel this way? Why did I need to make everyone love me? 

I was hit with shock after shock of realizations of all the places I was failing in life due to this lack of confidence in myself. The worse part is..... I would listen to some women in my boudoir studio, rip there bodies apart and I could barely listen to them speak to themselves that way. Sometimes it would draw me to straight tears. As a matter of fact I would stop them and tell them my studio is a no hate zone. Then I would continue to tell them all the beauty I see in them, which was completely genuine. It would rip me to shreds to hear them talk that way about themselves. But me?? Who am I without the love of others..... No one. My whole life was dependant on making other people happy. 

That was hard to type out. 

MY WHOLE LIFE WAS DEPENDANT ON MAKING OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY. 

Caring so much about what my family members, friends, Co-workers, husband were all thinking, was literally killing me, meanwhile this book is telling me that what my friends and family think is none of my business. That only what I think of me is important. And so began the next step.

What do I think of me?

That was an even harder realization. When I really sat and thought about it I don’t think much about myself at all. According to me, I should have a successful photography company already. It should be sending us to Hawaii twice a year, affording the Reno’s at my home that I want, and getting me all the lighting, camera equipment and other things I desire for my studio, all while providing me with a $80,000-$100,000 per year career. 

You might be laughing but that’s what I believed. I also figured I should be JLO hot by now, and financially stable with a nice vehicle to drive. I can tell you honestly that none of that has happened and therefore my confidence was non existent. I am never good enough for myself, and I felt bad my family had nothing exciting to say about me. 

My cell phone had gotten cut off one morning while I was at my parents cabin because I hadn’t paid the bill. I was so stressed that I had screwed up my bill that I jumped on my paddle board and paddled far away from the shore. I paddled out towards a cute little island near the side of the lake and I lied down on the board to meditate. I wish I could say I do this often, but this was one of the first times I had done it in a very long time. It was like constant chaos streaming around in my head. It was noisy. 

I began to pray. 

God. If you can hear me. Show me a sign. Am I going to be okay? I have no idea what I am doing. I have no idea if this business is working. I have no idea if my husband cares about my business or me. I have no idea what to do, but I can’t keep going like this. Will I ever love myself, ever? Is it possible for me to love myself the way I love others. I need a sign god. And I need it soon. Show me a butterfly god. I need a butterfly if I’m going to be okay. If not, I will give up on photography and I’ll go back to work. Show me the fucking butterfly god, please. I don’t know what to do and I’m scared. 

Less than 24 hours later while on a walk with my mom and daughter, the biggest monarch butterfly I have ever seen came flying right out in front of me, I kid you not. It landed on a bush near where I was walking. I was so shocked and excited that I ran into my parents cabin, grabbed my camera and took a picture. A sense of calm came rushing over my body and I suddenly felt a sense of peace that I had never felt before. 

I had absolutely no idea what was going to happen after I saw that Monarch butterfly. I knew it wasn’t a miraculous fix, but it was the start of something new. It was the start of learning to like myself. That sense of peace that washed over me was a feeling I wanted to get used to.

I didn’t take this universal assignment lightly. I came home from that trip and got straight to work. I deleted myself from Instagram accounts that didn’t make me feel good. I left relationships that didn’t light me up. I started including things in my day that I felt would make me happy. In November of 2019 I finally took a major self confidence leap and I booked myself a photo shoot for branding my business. Then shortly after that I sent a deposit to go get mentored and shot by my boudoir idol, photographer Jennifer Williams. And let me be clear, it didn’t take me any convincing to go work and be mentored by her, it took convincing myself that I was worthy enough to spend that kind of money on myself. It felt icky, gross and wrong but I knew it was EXACTLY what needed to happen to help set me up on a path of self confidence, and worthiness. Then I booked myself a business coach to elevate my business. Then I joined a mastermind. And now I am working on goals and ways to meet my goals that I once thought were impossible, and making them possible. 

This took me weeks, and I am still struggling. Not everyday is a perfect day. I still have days where I think I am a shitty photographer and I have no idea how anyone wants to book me, but those days are becoming farther and fewer between. Each and everyday that God blesses me with is another day that I get the privilege to continue falling in love with myself. To remove the feelings of failure and reach towards the CEO position of Angie Leah Photography. 

Each day I choose how I show up. Each day that I get knocked down I can decide to stay down or reach out to the people that I know will help climb me to the top. 

Having confidence means facing fears and challenges head on, no matter what the outcome is. Having confidence means caring more about yourself and the effects of circumstances on YOU before ANYONE else. Having confidence means that you don’t need anyone else’s approval but your own. Having confidence is the ability to stand up for yourself and what you think is right, without worrying if your hurting anyone else’s feelings. 

It is not easy. And I still get weird when I affirm everyday to myself in the mirror that I am amazing. I am strong. I am abundant. I am an award winning photographer. I am beautiful. I am healthy. I am fit. Etc. Etc. But each day I start to believe it a little bit more. Your confidence level is directly attached to the stories you are telling yourself everyday. If your like I was and your waiting for everyone else to boost up your confidence than, you need to ask yourself why does someone else’s opinion of you hold greater power than your own thoughts and feelings? 

Life is this big messed up journey. A roller coaster ride. But the ride is a hell of a lot better if you love yourself. If you believe in yourself. And you work really hard at making yourself happy instead of everyone else. If there is one lesson I could teach people, it’s do whatever it takes to make you happy every single day. Forget what everyone else think or wants for you and focus on what you want for you. 

If 2020 is the year that you have decided to step into your power and own your confidence, than it is time to book your boudoir shoot to kick start your self love journey. For readers of this blog post only, I am offering an exclusive deal. Ladies reading this post can DM or email me at angieleahphotography@gmail.com to receive a 30 minute boudoir mini session in January or February with 2 outfits, professional make-up and a viewing for only $299.00 + tax. I want you to love yourself so fiercely this 2020 that I am offering this exclusive offer to the first 10 women who message me with the code boudoir2020. $99.00 non refundable retainer to book and the remainder is due 24 hours before your shoot. No images are included with this package and must be purchased separately. Payment plans for digitals, albums etc are available.

This is your year. Let’s bust through fears and get confident and feeling sexy together. Let me transform you into the goddess I know you are. Offer ends January 5, 2020 or when the maximum number of sales has been reached. Book now! You won’t want to miss this. Xo

Last week I had a day where I was so overwhelmed, stressed and full of anxiety that I could barely breathe. It felt like someone was jumping on my chest. I was struggling to catch my breath. I thought when my desk job was gone and I was finally able to work for myself all of this would go away, but there is was. Back again. Darkness and anxiety creeped in, and my brain couldn’t stop spinning out of control.  The tears wouldn’t stop flooding from my eyes, and I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know what was going on. I was living this life I had imagined for myself, and yet here I was again, having an anxiety attack from hell. I thought I had taken all precautions to stop these awful feelings from happening and yet here I was. 

The worse part about this anxiety attack was that I started to come down on myself even harder. “How could this be happening to me?” I thought, “I am meditating, journaling, working out… all the things you are supposed to do to keep a healthy mindset, yet here I am again, suffering! “I began to start writing. Sometimes putting pen to paper helps me see what is really bothering me. It did calm me down, but it didn’t take the anxious feeling away. I knew my body was tired and so was I. So, I went and laid down for a nap, and here is what happened. My brain started going into a Jekyll and Hyde type conversation. I would tell myself I am exhausted and that I needed rest, and the other side would tell me I am lazy and should be working. “You will never be successful if you don’t put in the work, and here you are sleeping. Good one!” This played on for a good 15 minutes, till out loud I sat up and screamed “Stop it, Angie! Fuck! Your exhausted, go to bed!” With tears rolling down my face, I cuddled up with a blanket and had a nap. 

When I woke up, I felt so much better. I continued on with my day, but it was still bothering me that I got so anxious. Later, I began to read through my journal. This common theme kept popping up in my entries over the past few weeks. I am afraid of not being successful in photography and achieving the goals I have set for myself. It all started to make sense to me now. I was setting Big, Huge, Audacious goals for myself, that I truly believe to be possible, BUT (here is the kicker) I don’t actually believe that I am the one who is capable of achieving them. I believe in the goal, I believe in the outcome of the goal, but I don’t believe that me – Angie Leah Jones is capable of achieving it. Not for any other reason other than it’s me trying to be successful at it. If it was my friend, I would be there greatest cheerleader, but for myself…. Not so much. When I read these journal entries, I knew I had a problem that needed to be fixed and I knew I needed to start fixing it now. 

The truth is, that I don’t like to picture anything I don’t think I am worthy of receiving for fear that it will never happen and therefore I will be disappointed in myself for not achieving that goal. So, in return I think small and therefore I will stay small. If I don’t even, consider the fact that I am worthy of one day reaching my goals than I will never acheive them. The stories, your belief system, yourself worth is all tied into the ability to believe that you are worthy of receiving what you are asking for. And if you don’t believe that you are capable, and you can’t even make-believe dream it, then you sure as hell are never going to even come close to ever achieving it. I asked myself, if I believe that others can achieve big dreams and goals, then why can’t that be true for myself? And that all comes down to self-worth. 

I preach self-love. I think that it is incredibly important. I love to show women the beauty I see in them through boudoir photography, but I realized last week that self-love is not just about the love of your appearance. Self-Love is about forgiving yourself for mistakes that have happened in your life and no longer beating yourself up for things you did or didn’t do. Self-Love is taking the nap when your body tells you it’s time to rest. Self-Love is believing that you are worthy of receiving those big things you dream about. 

This will be a process for me to work through, something that will take time, but the actual realization that I feel this way is allowing me to work through some of the pain and anxiety I was dealing with. It’s one thing to set out some goals for yourself, but if you don’t think you are worthy of the outcome of working hard to achieve the goals, then it is time to do some self-love work. In order for me to believe I am worthy of receiving great gifts for my talent and work, I decided to rewrite my story. I wrote on a fresh new page in my journal, all the reasons why I believe I am worthy of receiving these big goals. And let me tell you. It was a total light bulb moment. It took me a long time to come up with the reasons, but that was only because I put so much thought and detail into the things that make me worthy of receiving the goals I have set for myself. It was nice to read all the good things, instead of all the negative stories that I retell myself every single day.  We LOVE to focus and pay attention to all the things that go wrong, and we fail to lavish in all the things we do right. So, I would love to challenge you to take 10-15 minutes and make a list for yourself of all the things that you have done right so far in your life. The big ones, that really stand out and especially the small ones, we don’t give ourselves enough credit. Listen, no one is going to celebrate you like you. We are supposed to be our own cheerleaders. We are supposed to love ourselves more than anyone else, society just tends to tell us differently. But I would challenge you to stop worrying about anyone else but yourself and just start loving on you and see what that changes in your body. Can you do it? I dare you to try. I LOVE when you write me and tell me about the little challenges, or share with me your stories, so please, give this a chance and write yourself a list of all the beautiful things you have accomplished. Maybe print it out and carry it in your car, desk, purse and everywhere you need it to be to keep reminding yourself that the best person to love you is you. 

Until next week.

Angie

P.S. The countdown is on. The Self Love Tribe is officially about to begin. If you would love to be a part of this community of like-minded women than please be sure to sign up for my newsletter at Angieleah.com/newsletter to be added to the group. I am just finishing some details before the Facebook page goes live and our tribe begins. This page is a page where you can go to be fully you. To be surrounded by a group of like-minded women who want to build each other up instead of tearing them down. There will be no negativity allowed here. This is a safe space to discuss uplifting podcasts, amazing books, discussions on self-development topics, workouts, and tangible teachings to help you bust through your fear and move forward with your life’s purpose. The goal is to have a space where women can go to be truly real and authentic and not feel ashamed for it. Are you ready??? I can’t freaking wait. We have amazing speakers that are going to be guest speaking in the group. There are so many fabulous things to come from this. I cannot wait to see you there. XO

When is the last time you did something that you have had on your goal list for weeks, months or even years? Then you finally reach that goal, and you just move on to the next one, without even taking a moment to celebrate your win? Do you celebrate what you worked hard for?

I’m not necessarily saying that celebrating your wins needs to involve a trip to Lululemon or the spa, but did you take some time to really be proud of yourself for your achievement?

As some of you may have read in last weeks blog, I recently travelled to Edmonton to participate in Sweet Jolie Boutique’s Self Love event. This was something I dreamt about while I sat at my 9-5, and I was finally doing it! I should have been stoked that I was crushing my dreams, but I actually was too busy writing down what I would do next time I did an event like this, and what else I should have had available. Feeling badly I had missed small details and beating myself up.

Then my friend showed up at the event. Walked over and gave me a huge hug and told me how proud of me she was, and I just sat for a moment.... Wait a minute! My friend is proud of me, but... I haven’t even taken a moment to be proud of myself! I worked hard for this. Why did I need someone else to point that out. I accomplished this. I went outside of my comfort zone and went after the opportunity. It is important that I celebrate this victory. 

I had dreamt, wished and prayed for this. Yet when it finally happened, instead of being proud of myself… I just picked apart the things I thought I should have known! But? How could I have known? I have never done this before. Maybe, just maybe I should take a moment and thank past Angie for the brilliant idea, and the current Angie for tackling the dream. Sure! Writing down good ideas for the next time is super important, it’s how you grow and get better each time, but still, it is so important to celebrate the goals that I have already achieved. 

So... I took a “I Crushed Some Serious Goals Day” today. As a “You Did It girl,” goal achieved moment! I woke up and made a great cup of tea, read my book in silence, got my grey hairs covered at the salon by the amazing Michelle Cunningham at Velvet, watched a Hawaii life I had on PVR, and made monster cookies with my beautiful daughter. It was amazing! It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant, but acknowledge how far you have come. It’s incredibly important to celebrate the small victories and appreciate all the hard work and effort. You deserve it and you are worth it! Celebrating the small victories will just motivate you to come back stronger on the next goal.  

So tell me, How do you celebrate your wins? Message me, I would love to hear how you are acknowledging all your hard work!

Xo,

Angie

P.S. The tribe starts March 1st. Register through the newsletter at Angieleah.com/newsletter. If you want to join a tribe of women who’s number one goal is to share tools to help you live your best life and support one another’s journeys, than you don’t want to miss this private Facebook group. There will be speakers, podcast recommendations, books, and tools to help each and every one of us. This is a safe space. No negative vibes allowed. Register to be added to the private group. I can assure you…. This is going to be good. We can hardly wait to launch! 

P.S. I have one spot left for the March 23 & 24 Boudoir Marathon. I have a surprise or two up my sleeve for this one, that you are not going to want to miss. 1 spot left! Message me to book in today! 

My best friend contacted me a few weeks ago and said, “I think I have a really good idea for your Edmonton Boudoir Marathon. Call me when you have time.”

After some interest in me doing boudoir in Edmonton I decided to take a shot in the dark and see if I could make a go of a weekend shoot in Edmonton. I attended my cousins wedding in Edmonton shortly after Christmas, and while visiting my grandma in her hotel room downtown, I couldn’t help but notice the lighting, the view of the river valley and how perfect the room would be for shooting boudoir. I knew I needed to travel to Edmonton and shoot in that venue. I could not stop thinking about the possibilities, the poses, and the unbelievable images I could produce for women in that room. So, while driving to Banff the day after the wedding, I started pricing out shoots and decided to make my thoughts a reality. 

My three girlfriends live in Edmonton, so I told the girls I was planning to do this boudoir weekend, and I would need them to share my information on there social media feed to help attract potential clients. My friends are amazing, and they were on board to share my posts. After being declined by Facebook with 3 different ads, for my images being too sexy, I started to get very nervous about how I would attract women interested in a boudoir shoots, with me in Edmonton. Thoughts of driving to Edmonton and visiting with boutiques and lingerie shops creeped into my head. Leaving business cards in their boutiques and offering a shoot for allowing me to leave my stuff in their store, started to seem like a great call. Not to mention, it is good for me to go out and chase after my dreams, and really prove to myself that I can actually do this. Yes, You! Angie Jones can and will crush this dream. The end!

So, then the phone call with my best friend came in, “So, there is this boutique in Edmonton, and I think you would really hit it off with the owner Nicole. She is literally the sweetest person ever! You should check out her self love event coming up in a few weeks. Maybe you should give away a shoot there? Put some of your work in her store for the event and create a buzz around you coming to Edmonton. Angie, you will seriously love the team there.”

“Sign me up! Send the details. I will contact her today.” I replied skipping around my kitchen.

Following that conversation came follow up texts to my friend filled with nerves. 

Angie: Should I phone, her? Email her? How should I contact her?

Best friend: I would email her and follow up with a phone call. 

Angie: Perfect! I was thinking the same thing.

TRUTH: I had thought of every single possible way to get a hold of the owner at the boutique. I thought of every possible scenario of me asking to collaborate with her event and how it could go. I just wanted the opinion of someone to support what was happening in my head. I mean… was this really happening? Am I really doing this!!! Holy shit! Here I go.

I sat down and began to write the email to the owner of Sweet Jolie Boutique. I read that email about 15 times before I hit the send button. Upon careful examination of her Facebook, Instagram, and website, I knew this was a match made in heaven. I mean another human that feels as deeply about self-love as I do…. I just knew it was meant to be. Her website was filled with women of all different depths of beauty. I wanted to be a part of this self-love event BADLY.

Once I was happy with the email, I hit send. Prayed. Released it. And chose to move on about my day. Sitting and starring at my emails wasn’t going to do anything other than make me anxious.  I closed my eyes and stated, “What is meant to be will be.”

Later that day I had taken Mila to cheer practise. I was sitting in my vehicle working when I saw my Instagram alert shine across the top of my iPhone. Sweet {Jolie} started following you on Instagram. I immediately tried calling my friend. She didn’t respond so I texted – 

Angie: Sweet {Jolie} started following me on Instagram… this has to be a good sign!

Not even two hours later I was working on new custom album for the February 7th Self-Love event in Edmonton. I received the most positive and uplifting email response from the owner, and she was thrilled to collaborate with me. I was on cloud 9.

I designed two separate albums for the event. I printed new business cards, created a custom Boudoir package for the event, created marketing material and spent the next week dreaming about the possibilities of this event. Then suddenly late last week my evil thoughts appeared and started saying things like,

“What if you have done all of this work, for NOTHING?” 

“What is no one in Edmonton wants to shoot with you?” 

“Holy Shit! Wouldn’t that be just like you to work really hard at something and fail!” 

My mind kept swirling these thoughts around and around. 

Then I stopped myself. “Stop it! Stop allowing these thoughts to control you like that. You can and will succeed Angie. Remember! What you think about will become your reality – Now stop it.”

My brain has basically been an inner back and forth dialogue between my ego and my actual reality. 

Then I took my own advice. I wrote out a worst and best-case scenario. When I started to write it out the worst case didn’t actually look all that bad. Worst case scenario - I don’t book anyone that attends the event, however I get to see my best friends, spend the day in a super cool boutique of my dreams, with this amazing power house business woman, and support Self LOVE! The thing I am so passionate about! Worst case scenario! Not so bad. 

Best case scenario – I go to Edmonton, see my best friends, spend the day with an amazing business woman that I look up to, spend the day celebrating self-love and end up selling out my shoot in Edmonton!

What could go wrong? What was I so worried about? If I was to walk away without one booking from this event, would that mean anything to anybody? No! No one would even care. I still have 2 more months to come up with another strategy to market to potential clients. If I don’t go or even try, then how would I know good or bad? All I can do is try. Put in my best effort and enjoy the ride. 

Focusing on the what ifs can shift your focus to a negative state and it can be really hard to get your thought process back to the positive. If you take a pen out and start writing your worst-case scenario and it doesn’t say that you could die…. Then go for it! Try it! The things that are scary, that keep you up at night, are quite often the things that end up being the most impactful experiences of your life. 

Is this scary for me… You bet it is! I want to prove to myself that I can do this more than anything. But I will never know, unless I try. So here I go. All in. One foot in front of the other. Learning and growing as an entrepreneur. Trusting, that no matter what Edmonton throws at me, I know full well that I am going to be okay, no matter what.

The very fact that this situation feels so scary, is the exact reason why I need to face my fears and find out the possibilities. Write me! Tell me… What are you doing to challenge and scare yourself right now? Let’s do the scary things together and support each other. Here is to another fabulous week. 

XO, 

Angie

P.S. You guys must go check out Sweet {Jolie} boutiques Instagram! Honestly, she has no idea I am even writing this blog right now, I just want you to see for yourself how unreal this boutique is. All of the clothes get pictured on all different body shapes and sizes, so you can see the fit. So cool. The clothing, shoes and accessories are beautiful. I highly recommend checking it out! 

In May 2017, I started my Facebook page for Angie Leah Photography. In the fall of 2017, I launched my website and started this blog a few weeks later. Fall and winter were very successful with both family and boudoir photography. I had found my true passion. I knew that this was what god had put me on this earth to do. Photograph and write. I found myself getting up some days at 4:30am to edit photos, respond to emails and write my weekly blog. In order to create my dreams into reality, I knew that working early mornings, late nights and weekends in conjunction with my fulltime job would be necessary. When I left the Grant Hall in Moose Jaw after an amazing day of shooting boudoir in December,  I sat in my vehicle and wondered how long it would be until I could quit working my 9-5. As much as I enjoyed my co-workers at my everyday job, my heart and soul is photography and connecting with so many fantastic people through my blog. I began to meditate on the idea of going full time photography and blogging. I asked the universe for a sign and the universe delivered less than 5 weeks later. 

It was Monday, January 14 that I found out I was without a position at my regular job. The first person I called was my husband. I was concerned that he would be worried and wanting me to rush out and find a new job. To my surprise he said, “Well, this is great Ang. I am happy for you. We will work things out and now you can go after your dreams.” His support meant the world to me. I hadn’t expressed to him how important it was for me to chase my dreams. Serving women through boudoir and my blog has been so incredibly fulfilling for me. Knowing that my husband had my back and supported me was a feeling I can’t quite describe. 

Now! I would be lying if I didn’t have a melt-down to my mom after reality sank in. Full on ugly crying! You guys I have been working since I was 12, possibly even younger. My grandparents had a bed & breakfast that I worked at from a very young age, and I have been working ever since. The thought of being at home alone working for myself, and relying on my efforts for income, freaked the living crap out of me! I knew that I had manifested this into reality, but it was still scary as hell. So, after a long chat with my mama, I hung up the phone went to bed, and woke up the next day ready to work. 

In the past, news of losing my job would have spiralled me into depression. This time it was different. I had my melt down but it only lasted a short while.  I got really excited about all of the possibilities. How could I not? This is what I wanted, what I prayed for. I felt calm. I felt a sense of belief in myself that I hadn’t ever felt before. I could open up my journal and take these ideas I had been fantasizing about for my business and actually have the ability to go forward with them. Travelling boudoir shoots I dreamed about! The ability to up my social media interaction. Advertise and collaborate with other amazing business! Sell out 3 day boudoir shoots! The list goes on. In less than two weeks I managed to accomplish or start everything on that list and more. Not only that, by working my butt off and doing the hard work, I ended up selling out some upcoming boudoir dates! Selling out a day of boudoir has been on my goals list for 8 months, and I did it! This was a huge win for me.

The power of meditation and manifestation is no joke. Whether it be good or bad, what you focus on and put your energy into will come to you. This is why it is so important to focus on the things we are grateful for and stay super clear and focused on our goals. A situation that I could have chosen to react to as a disaster, quickly became one of the most beautiful things that has ever happened to me. This life change has allowed me to tackle my dreams, show up as the mom and wife I want to be to my family and also has allowed me the opportunity to have more time to take care of myself. I so badly want to help other women, through my blog and photography and now I get to do that every day. Is it scary at times? Sure! But when that awful troll voice comes into my head and tries to tell me that I can’t, it only takes me seconds to shut that voice down and tell it where to go! I know that I am being guided by a power that is far greater than myself, to do what my heart is telling me to do. I have been known to be a control freak, and I have been working on my control issues for months. Reason being, we can not control everything. The only thing I have complete control over is myself and my reaction to certain situations. Sure, I could have spent a couple days or even weeks feeling sorry for myself and hiding in bed, but I took this as a sign that it is time for me to go after what I desire. 

So here I am, writing my incredible readers to tell you that sometimes the disaster situations that gets thrown our way, actually becomes some of the best things to ever happen to us. Trust and have faith that God (universe) wants nothing but the best for you. If you ask for the signs, don’t be surprised if when the timing is right it comes into existence. And when it does take the opportunity seriously. I have no idea if I will end up back at a 9-5 position again, but what I do know is that I am going to work my a$% off to see what the possibilities of this business can bring to my life. Manifesting does not work with out action. There are still 4:30am mornings, late nights and weekends of working on galleries, e-mails, collaborations, and all the other beautiful sides of working for yourself, but I am working on my dreams. What could be better than that?

Thank you for taking the time to read this week. For those of you who have expressed interest in the private Facebook group, we are aiming to have this going mid-February. My partner in crime and I are so excited to take on this awesome project. This is going to be a space where women can come together and support one another, and discuss amazing books, podcasts and other tools to help go through this crazy thing called life. We are so excited for this opportunity to connect with other like minded women, on the journey to living there best life. More details to come soon!

Lastly, you may have seen that I am heading to Edmonton to shoot Boudoir April 6 & 7. The stunning suite has been booked, and I have started taking bookings (so pumped). If you have friends or family in Edmonton, please feel free to send them my information or my posts on social media. I will be in Edmonton on February 7 at the Sweet Jolie Boutique Self Love Event. I will have my work on display at the event and there is a special offer for all Sweet Jolie shoppers interested in the Edmonton boudoir marathon. As well part of the grand prize package is a boudoir shoot with me in Edmonton and includes hair &  make-up. If you are in Edmonton or know someone that is, please share this information. Check out Sweet Jolie’s website at sweetjolie.com. WARNING: they have super cute clothing and shoes!! So be careful, lol!

I am so grateful you took the time to read my blog. I hope you have a fabulous week. 

Xo,

Angie

I have always wanted to write, but I didn’t believe in myself enough to do it. My Grade 7 teacher gave us a short story project, and I remember having a fuchsia colored duo tang that I kept my “novel” in. My novel was about a girl who billeted at my family’s home and the crazy stories she shared with me while staying over the weekend. I remember being so fascinated by her. She had done things with her friends that I had not even thought about because if I had even considered behaving like that my parents would have killed me! I was intrigued, so I wrote. He told me that I was a talented writer. He told my parents as well. But like typical Angie fashion, I had convinced myself I couldn’t, so I didn’t. 

Fast forward to 2018 where I sat down with one of my best friends. A friend who has known me for YEARS. I was beginning to share my personal journey of what I had been going through over the past several years and I shared everything with her. EVERYTHING! All the shit I had gone through since quitting my job. How they treated me while working there and after I left. All the so called “friendships” I had to say good bye to. How I had to part ways with all of the unhealthy people I was people pleasing. How I had lost my house several years ago, and it took me 5 years to buy it back. How my marriage had suffered when closing our business. How my daughter didn’t have mom a home because I told myself, I had to work 65 hours a week. How my credit took a shit kicking since closing my boutique. My vehicle got repossessed. I lost all my credit cards. I lost myself.  Then the final kicker when I lost my eye sight in my left eye and was suffering from stress induced burnout. My friend was shocked! 

“But Angie, I know I don’t live in Moose Jaw, but when we talked, you were happy! You loved your job! Life looked great on Facebook? I don’t understand?”

I replied, “There was no way for you to know. I lied to everyone around me and myself. I certainly didn’t want anyone knowing I was suffering. So, I pretended, I was okay. I could have won an academy award, for how well I acted.”

I wanted people to think my life was great. I wanted them to look at my social media and think, Wow! She may have closed her store, but this girl bounced back! She has got it all going on! How dare I tell other people about my suffering, what would they think of me? My reputation would be ruined! I wanted everyone to think that I closed my business, found an amazing job, and life was fantastic. Hell, I didn’t even tell my husband that I sleep with every night that I was suffering. I went into survival mode. I cared far too much what other people thought of me to even consider my own feelings. My approval came from the happiness of others around me. The end. Plain and simple. That was all I cared about. And if I upset someone, or hurt them in someway, then I did whatever it took to make them happy with me again. 

When I drove back to Moose Jaw, I received a text from this friend. She messaged a beautiful text about how being so open with her about what has been happening in my life, over the last several years has humbled her. That my bravery to speak the truth and being so open and comfortable sharing with her has made her want to open up about her own struggles. She told me she wished that she was half as courageous as I was. How she is embarrassed to discuss her struggles and hopes that one day she will be able. It was that text where I decided to start blogging. I figured, if I can help one woman by speaking my truth and making them realize that by going through real hardships and problems does not make you a loser, weak, or whatever other awful word you can think of, then I want to shout that from the damn roof tops! It’s okay to not be okay.

I didn’t tell people what I was going through, when I was going through it because I was afraid of what everyone else would think of me. But… I am a real human being with real struggles, and I quickly learnt that I am not the only person on planet earth going through a tough time and by speaking my truth I am helping other women realize they are not alone and it’s okay to talk about it. We often think that everyone else has it all together. I guarantee you that the person you think has it all together…. that person has or has had problems before that molded her into the woman she is. None of us are perfect! Perfect does not exist in human form.

I want you to know that no matter what the struggle you are going through right now, you are not alone. And more importantly, I need you to know and understand, that you are going to get through it. I fucking promise you! I don’t want you to sit on the bathroom floor crying, thinking you are the only person going through a hard time, and wondering how you are going to get yourself out of it. I don’t want you to think for one second that you won’t get out of it, because you will. I want you to read about a woman who has gone to hell and back a few times and picked up a shit load of wisdom and strength along the way. I want you to read about a woman who didn’t think she would make it out of her own mess alive, and she did. I want you to know that there is life after losing it all, it just takes a lot of determination and will, but…. you can and will get out of your mess! Let me say that again. YOU WILL GET OUT OF YOUR CURRENT SITUATION. It might be hard! It might be really scary! But I promise you, it will get better. You will wake up one day and thank god for all he put you through. You will look at yourself in the mirror and go, “Yes girl! You went to hell and back and came out of it stronger than ever!”

 You must allow your situation to unfold in its own way and time. The more you try to control it, the longer it will take to get out of it. It is crucial to take care of yourself in the mess. Get the sleep you need. Go for walks outside in nature. Take the time to journal. Make sure you meditate. Do the things you need to do to keep your head on straight. Most importantly FORGIVE YOURSELF. Forgive yourself for mistakes you made when you didn’t know any better. Forgive yourself and find the lessons. It may take days, weeks or even months to truly get the lesson but do yourself a huge favour and dig in and find the lesson. With every chaotic, life changing act -  divorce, loss of work, death of a family member, financial struggle, you are going through this mess to learn a lesson that will catapult you forward in your life. One day, you will look at yourself in the mirror with a huge smile on your face and thank god for all the nights where you stayed up late crying the ugly cry, wondering how you were going to make it through. I promise. 

Till next week babes, 

Angie

Thank you so much for taking time out of your schedule to read this blog. If you enjoyed it, I ask that you please take a few moments to share it or give it a like on Facebook or screen shot this blog and post it to your Insta story. It’s because of your shares and likes that I get to help more women, and they become aware this blog exists. 

In response to last week’s blog, I am going forward with a closed Facebook community. The goal is to provide tools and teachings to help promote self-love and encouragement towards women. Negative vibes will not be allowed here! The goal is to help support one another and provide tangible tools to help women become the best versions of themselves. To build a tribe of support. I am beyond excited and thrilled to be working with a really amazing woman on this project right now. If you are interested in a community of like-minded woman who want to propel forward, then this is the place for you. If you need a group of cheerleaders to share your wins and help you through your tough days, this is for you! Direct Message me if you are interested through social media – Facebook: Angie Leah Photography Instagram: @angieleahphotography or e-mail: angieleahphotography@gmail.com.

Have you ever sat and thought about your negative self talk? You know those awful voices in your head that feed you terrible, negative information. The voice that tells you that you look to fat to wear those jeans. That there is no amount of foundation in your make-up kit to cover those zits.  You’re a shitty mom… you know all THOSE voices! Well, those voices must be stopped. Those voices are stopping you from living a life full of love that you deserve! Everyone deserves to feel love. Everyone! And the person that needs to love you the most… is You! That job belongs to nobody else. Not your husband, boyfriend or partner, not your children, not your family members or your friends. That job belongs to you, and it is a full time gig.

I would love for you to take a moment and truly think about the awful things you have been telling yourself lately. Here are some of the stories I used to tell myself often.

-          You are a loser.

-           You are going know where.

-          You have no degree and will never land a good job.

-           You look disgusting and huge in everything you wear. You are so gross.

-           You will never get out of this mess, you fucked up your whole life. No wonder you and your husband are having problems! You closed your business and screwed both of your lives up.

-           

Ugh. Even just typing it makes me cry. It is just not okay to treat anyone that way, especially yourself.

 If you take anything out of reading this blog today, it’s that those stories you continuously tell yourself, your brain eventually starts to believe them and then you begin to believe what you say. What’s even worse is trying to reverse those negative thoughts. It is sooooo difficult. But the good news is, it can be done, and it can transform your life forever. I’d like you to take out your journal or a piece of paper, humor me and try this. Quickly jot down in point form all the stories you are telling yourself, leaving a space in between each point. When you have completed that task, I want you to write a positive affirmation below it that counter acts the negative thought or story you are saying to yourself. For example, here is my list:

-          You are a loser.

You are a beautiful work in progress working towards your dreams.

-          You are going know where?

You are working your ass off to make your dreams come true and will do whatever it takes to live the life you desire.

-          You have no degree and will never land a good job.

You don’t need a degree, you are smart, talented and have so much to offer this world. You have an amazing skill set and deserve to land an amazing job with an exceptional salary.

-          You look disgusting in everything you wear?

You are one hot tamale! Your curves are fantastic, and you can rock a bikini like no one else.

-          You will never get out of this mess, you fucked up your whole life. No wonder you and your husband are having problems! You closed your business and screwed both of your lives up.

This mess has given you the strength and courage to turn this life into something beautiful. Your messiness gave you a beautiful gift. I am grateful for my mess. You have your whole life ahead of you, you’ve got this. Darren loves you and you love him, have you told him that today? I am so lucky that we had each other to go through the crazy of closing the store. Look at us go. Look at what we did? Wow, we have climbed mountains together.

I am quite literally asking you to make lemonade out of lemons. Take your negative self talk and as difficult as it is, it’s time that you turn it into something positive. Seriously, do it, or don’t. That is a choice that you make. You deserve to be happy, but happiness is a choice. There is no amount of money, clothes, cars, trips or spa services in the world that will make you happy and love yourself. Stuff can not buy that internal feeling, long term. You choose everyday to show up miserable and unhappy or grateful and full of joy. Let me say that again… You choose! I chose misery for a long time, until I learnt that the only way for me to get the life I desired, was to start creating the happiness I desired.  I started being grateful for the things that I do have, instead of the things that I don’t. I stopped comparing myself to others and started feeding my body and soul what it deserves. For me that looks like a whole lot of love. I sit with my day planner every day and write…. I am beautiful, I am strong, I am smart, I am the best mom, I am an unreal wife, I am an amazing photographer, I am a fabulous blogger. I DID NOT BELIEVE THIS TO BE TRUE AT FIRST, but I chose to start teaching myself to love myself, because hating on me was beginning to be way to painful. The thought of my gorgeous daughter growing up acting towards herself the way I was treating myself… broke my dam heart. I need to be an UNREAL example of strength and women power for her. I need her to see that she can do anything she puts her mind to and believe in herself. Then one day it hit me! If I want my daughter to feel that way, then why shouldn’t I feel the same? What is so wrong with me, that I am unable to feel that? So, I changed. And it wasn’t easy. As a matter of fact, some days it was really fucking hard! Some day’s, I honestly thought that I was wasting my time and energy spending all this time trying to love myself. But! For the first time since as long as I can remember, I stopped giving up on myself. My god was it hard and a lot of days I wanted to. Giving up seemed so much easier! But I stuck it out, and I have never been so happy, self motivated and driven in my entire life as I am right now. And I want the same for you!

I hear all the time about how women want to do a boudoir shoot with me, just as soon as they lose (enter any number here) pounds. Most of the time, I don’t even know how to respond. You could be 50 lbs over weight and I am willing to bet you could come to a shoot and feel like a goddess.  Let me explain something to you, the way you look in the mirror, the number on the scale, it is not the be all and end all. Not to mention, if you are feeding yourself with negative talk then you could be a Victoria Secret runway model and still see a hideous woman reflecting back.  You can have one of the hottest bodies in the world, and still think you are unattractive. If loving yourself was easy to do, everyone would do it and I wouldn’t even be writing this blog right now. But if there is one thing that I know for sure, nothing that is worth it ever comes easy. Sometimes we need to fight a little, that includes the relationship with yourself. You owe it to you. You deserve it.

Write out your list. Write out your positive affirmations that counter act the negative list. Then, fold up that list and put it in your purse, gym bag, vehicle (or make several lists and stash them in all areas). When you begin to start harping on yourself, pull out the positive affirmations list. Even if you feel silly, take the list out and read the positive to the negative thoughts in your head, out loud if you can. Put your hand on your heart, take a deep breath in, and just continue to say the positive over and over and over. If you’re at work - hide in the bathroom stall. If your driving – pull over for a minute. You are worth the 2 minutes it takes to bring love back into your life. It is no one else’s job but your own, to LOVE YOURSELF.

Ladies, I am so crazy passionate about this subject. It is my mission to change the way we talk to ourselves. I am looking at creating a group for women where we can connect and support one another in this journey to self love. If you are interested, please message me  angieleahphotography@gmail.com or direct message me on any social media platform. If this is something you think would benefit you, I would love to create a group of like minded women, where we can connect and support one another. Let’s make this change together.

Lastly, I am hosting my very first model call this coming March (insert clapping, trumpets and confetti here). If you or someone you know would be interested in modelling for me, please read the below criteria. You must sign a contract stating that you are okay with me posting your pictures for social media, website and marketing material. You must use my hair and make-up artist (but trust me, she is AMAZING) and pay her fee of $100, The shoot session and location fee is on me for allowing me to use the photos. I will give you a $75.00 print credit that can be used towards images, prints, albums, presentation boxes and more. For more information email me at angieleahphotography@gmail.com

Have the best week ladies! I am forever grateful for your support.

 XO,

Angie

Fear is a funny thing. Even when you learn and know how to work your way through fear, it still can manage to creep in there and spoil your thoughts. It jumps in when you least expect it and turns your world upside down. When we are afraid to do something, or we are put into a situation that we are fearful of, how do we cope?

Well you have two choices. You can sit in the fear or you can face it head on. What I know to be true is, the longer you sit on the situation of fear the harder It gets. Remember when you were a little kid, and you were afraid to rip off the Band-Aid because you were it was going to hurt? Then your dad grabbed the Band-Aid and just ripped it off when you weren’t paying attention. You had that moment of pain, and then realized it wasn’t nearly as bad as you thought it was going to be? The Band-Aid effects. Yes, it’s uncomfortable, you don’t want to do it, but if you just get it over with, it’s done. You can move on with your life and throw the Band-Aid in the garbage. 

Fear is just a feeling, attached to anxiousness, and the more you sit and worry and wonder, the harder it gets to face the fear. The What if’s will drive you crazy, and you can play the situation over in your head a thousand times but doing that just makes it worse. One of the things I have learnt is to sit and write your fearful situation out as if the outcome goes exactly as you want it to. If everything were to go in your favor what would that look like? This could be a daily exercise to work on till you have faced the fear. 

***Example: Today I finally went and quit my job. My stomach was full of butterflies, but I walked in shoulders back, head held high. I sat in my boss’s office and told him that I had found a wonderful opportunity somewhere else and that my last day would be in two weeks. He congratulated me on my new job and wished me the best. He shook my hand and told me that he was sad to see me go, but excited to see where I land. It was the best feeling in the world. I have no idea why I stressed and worried about this all weekend long. 

Allowing the fear to sit in your body and imaging the several different scenarios that could happen, will only make you anxious and afraid. Not to mention you are beginning to manifest your own reality. The more negative vibes you put out, the more likely you are to receive what you are thinking of. 

However, as Mark Twain would say “Stop thinking of what could go wrong, and start thinking about what could go right!” Okay, I know what some of you are thinking…. I used to think this to! Your thinking what if you are thinking positively about the situation that you are in fear of, you tackle the fear and it goes south. Not the way you planned, at all, and then you start to think that this whole manifestation thing is a bunch of B.S. You give up and stop believing in the power of manifestation. Well, every time a fearful situation didn’t go the way I had wanted it to, I was upset, but at least it was over, at least I knew the answer, at least the break up was done. Whatever the situation was. But the the best part is, it always opens me up to something more amazing.  See if your willing to believe that you are being guided by God or the Universe, you are willing to surrender to a plan that is greater than your own. You are willing to trust that if something doesn’t work out that it wasn’t meant to be and that something even better will come into your life. 

At the end of the day, you have got to start doing the things that are good for you. Every day, YOU MUST ASK YOURSELF, is what I am doing going to help me on the road to my dreams, and if the answer is No, it’s got to go. And it probably will be hard, and you may be upset for a day or two, but overall it will make you a happier better version of yourself. That I am sure of. 

So, the next time you have to go face something that throws your stomach into painful knots remember that when you face that fear once and for all, you will know. You will have an answer, and you can start working towards the next piece of the puzzle in life. You’ve got this. Remember that. You are so much stronger than you think you are. You have totally got this. Take the class, apply for the new job, make the phone call, cut the cord on the friendship, whatever it might be, as hard as it may feel what feels even worse is continuing in a state of uncomfortableness for weeks, months or years to come. Join me this week in facing a fear. Rip off the Band-Aid, I promise, if it stings it won’t hurt for long.

Till next week Babes.

XO,

Angie

I was challenged last week. The day after I posted my blog, I was made aware of an awful situation that had happened to someone that I know, that I use to be acquaintances with. There is no need to get into the details, but what is important to know, is that this person along with a group of others she is affiliated with have purposefully and maliciously attacked me, and I have had to learn to forgive and send love to these people. It has taken a lot of life coaching, and counselling to get over the trauma that I have endured, so when I saw that something awful and mean had happened to them, I struggled with how to react.

I sat at my desk after hearing news, and I started to cry. I could not stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks. I was pissed at myself. When I heard about this there was a part of me that was thinking, “Well Karma is a bitch” and I felt a bit happy that this person would feel some of the pain they had put me through. But this is not who I am? I truly don’t want to feel this way towards anyone. I went to the bathroom to gather myself and began to pray. I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t like how I was feeling, and this is not who I want to be as a human. Whether the person deserved it or not is irrelevant. When someone goes out of there way to hurt somebody and destroy them or their property, it just plain and simply is NOT okay.

People can be down right mean, judgmental and nasty. There are people in this world who actually enjoy hurting, destroying and bullying other people. I have been on the other side of this for a few years now and here is what I know. I know that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Typically, a person that behaves or acts this way is jealous, envious, or wants something you possess. One will never truly know the reason why, nor should you allow yourself to sit in a space of caring or honoring that person’s thoughts or feelings about you. What I am going to invite you to try and do is ask yourself why you care so much about there opinion of you? When shit happens to us and life gets tough, it’s the ultimate test to respect and love ourselves through these hard moments. When someone is purposefully hurting you and you can still love yourself and walk head held high, because you know with every fibre of your being that you are an unreal human being…. that to me is making it!

After reflecting and meditating on this, I figured out where my glimpse of happiness came from. It came from the fact that someone else was hurt so badly by these people that they went out and hurt them back.  A thought and feeling that I had experienced myself but would NEVER act upon. As Martin Luther King says, “Hate cannot drive out hate, only LOVE can do that.” Meaning if I was to act hateful back to a person or persons who have been hateful to me, that is obviously just driving more hate into the world. But If you can rise above and send love, it may not make the hater any better, they may not learn anything at all, but it stops the hate. Hate + Hate = More Hate. Hate + Love = Peace for the one giving love. Sure, it’s not nice to know that there are people out there that no matter what you do, no matter how nice, kind and loving you are, they will still not like you, but guess what! That is none of your dam business. Let them hate you and send so much love to the support that you already have. Pray for the people that are there for you no matter what, be beyond grateful for the ones that love you and support you and would do anything for you. Hold those people close. Don’t you dare let the haters distinguish your fire, instead let that hate fuel you towards more love, more possibilities. Go show the hater(s) what you are made of.

As always, thank you for subscribing to my blog. Feel free to share this blog on social media. I am so overwhelmed with happiness over the response of my writing that I am looking at doing some exciting things in the new year, so stay tuned and get on my subscribers list. I love and appreciate you for taking the time to read this blog. Till next week, Ang.

After being so dependent on other people’s opinions, I have struggled with friendships in the last year. With 2018 coming to a close, I have done a lot of reflecting. I have kissed several unhealthy, toxic friendships good bye and in turn I have replenished old friendships, I have become best friends with my husband again, and I have figured out who I am. It got me thinking, why did I have to go through so much heart ache to get here? Why did it have to hurt so bad to get to where I am now?

Here is what I came up with. I had to get used. I had to get spit out a couple of times, in order for me to crumble and see that I was losing myself. I needed a severe wake up call to shake me to my core and remind me that I too am a human being that is worthy of love. I was driving on the highway a few weeks ago, when I had an Ah Ha moment. One particular person in my life had literally made me their personal assistant. It hit me so clearly. I was not their friend, this person liked me because I would do anything for them. When I realized this, my mind posed another question? Why did I do it? The hard truth is, I wanted someone to love me. I liked feeling needed and wanted. It made me feel liked and loved. I had someone to hang out with and it made for a great social media feed. I was able to hide all my true feelings, because the short term of these friendships made me feel special. My whole world was wrapped up in what other people thought of me. It really hurts me to write this now, but it was what I needed to go through to get to where I am now. Where I am now is not perfect, but it is so much better that where I was one year ago from now. I don’t hate these old friends. I am not mad, and I am not sad any longer. I am so grateful for the hard lessons, the tears I shed, the pure hurt that crushed my heart. Without it I would never have realized how out of touch with Angie I really was. I would have continued down this path of people pleasing and self-destruction. So, I choose to send love to the people that used and hurt me. I wish them nothing but the best. I just want nothing to do with them anymore. And that is okay. 

Now I hope that I have not made it sound like this path was all cupcakes and rainbows. If you are going through something similar, or know that you need to purge friendships, I can tell you for a super sensitive person, that has put all their self-worth into the hands of others, it was devastating. It was like going through a bad break-up. But the outcome has been worth every tear that I shed. I used the fuel from this fire to create a new life for myself. I have become the mom I always wanted to be, the wife that I want to be, the entrepreneur that I have dreamed of, and I finally started writing again after years of burying that dream. When you can take your hurt and turn it into something amazing, there is no better feeling. What this took was getting really clear about who I am and where I want to go. I did a vision board for myself. I posted what I wanted for Angie. At first, that was hard because I honestly wasn’t too sure. Things kept popping into my head, and I just kept adding to the ideal vision of myself. It took a few months before I became totally clear on my direction and vision. Now it is a daily tool that I use. Write down who I am, where I am going and how I am going to get there, and then I live everyday as if I have already mastered those goals. And now, I have no doubt in my mind that I will achieve it. 

Another thing that really helped me, was I started to look for a mentor. I wrote down the qualities I loved about this person, and I made this as part of my goals. This mentor to me is pure class. She cares very little about the opinion of others. She is an amazing mom. She is an incredible wife, and her and her husband LOVE hanging out with each other. She cares little about fashion trends but dresses the way that makes her feel fabulous, and she ALWAYS looks polished and amazing. She loves to travel. She loves fitness. She believes in the importance of a healthy lifestyle, but also never misses having a huge slice of her kid’s birthday cake, and always has fries when dining out. She isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty, but her nails are always manicured. She takes care of number one (herself) first and foremost, so that she is able to take excellent care of her family. She doesn’t care about weekend parties, or drinking all night long with her friend’s, supper and a glass of wine with a friend or two is more her style. Her life (like any life) is not perfect, but her priorities are set, she knows what she wants to achieve, and she works her butt off to ensure she is going to get there. 

When you have a vision so clear of where you want to go and how you are going to get there, it makes it almost impossible to give up on yourself. If she can do it, I can do it. It takes setting goals and taking action. If you fail, find the lesson and try again. If you fail again, try a new strategy and try again. Fail over and over and over again, till you reach your vision. The key is to believe in yourself so much that you refuse to give up on yourself. I used to think the word failure was the ultimate embarrassment. Now I know that without the massive failures I have had in my life, I would not be writing this blog right now. I wouldn’t believe in myself enough to try entrepreneurship again. If you had asked me two years ago if I would every have another business again, I would have laughed at you. Not because I didn’t want to be an entrepreneur and try my hand at photography, writing and public speaking…. But because I didn’t believe I could do it again. I had failed once already. I already closed a business and humiliated myself, I wasn’t going to do that again. Now I believe in myself so much that I just know I will be successful. I care so much about my success that I wake up early to study photography, to work on poses for boudoir, to master my editing and lighting. I care enough about myself and my business that I don’t work for free and I price myself at what I’m worth. You guys! If I can do this, so can you. I promise you it’s possible. If you are doubting yourself and don’t think you can do it, I am here to tell you that I am living proof that you can climb through that dark tunnel and make it to the light. You may get sucked back down again a time or two, but you will get there. You just have to want it and know that you are worth it and deserve more. You have to believe in yourself, and you have to have faith that no matter what, you can achieve your dreams. Your happiness is a reflection of the faith that you have in yourself. 

I just want to close my blog off today by sending out a huge thank you to all of you that open up your email every week and read what I have to write. I told my mom that if I helped even just one woman feel like they are not alone, that this blog would be worth it. The texts, emails, calls and women who have come up to me and told me how this blog has helped them has been absolutely mind blowing to me. Thank you so much for your feedback and support. To everyone who has shares my blog post on social media or with a friend, THANK YOU, this helps me reach more women and for that I am beyond grateful. From the bottom of my heart, Thank you. 

Lastly: LADIES! Boudoir prices and packages are changing as of January 1st, 2019. Anyone who purchases a boudoir package by December 31, I will honour the 2018 pricing in 2019. You may use this through the Booty Bank (My boudoir savings plan – message me for complete details. It is the ultimate way to save up for that shoot you want to do). My next Boudoir Dates are January 11 & 12, 2019. These dates are for my babes who want to have albums, prints or portfolio boxes done by Valentine’s day. Message me at angieleahphotography.com

Falling in love with yourself can be down right messy. And just like any other relationship, not everyday is a good day. Just like it’s easy to quit on a relationship that isn’t working, it’s just as easy to quit on yourself when things aren’t going perfectly. If you start a challenge and on week two, you didn’t drink the required water intake, and you had a cheeseburger for lunch instead of a salad, you get so upset with yourself that you quit! But why isn’t it ok to just have had a rough day, or for that matter a rough week? Aren’t we allowed to screw up every know and again? Why can’t we just have a bad week and get back at it?

I recently heard a very well-known author say that she NEVER breaks a promise with herself, ever. I love this woman, but when she said that, I started to internally beat myself up. I agree, keeping promises to yourself is very important, but sometimes you must give yourself a little grace. I think, that sometimes we beat ourselves up so badly for missing a workout, an appointment, a meal plan, a meditation, that instead of just accepting that we had a rough day, we just quit all together. My brain would go, “Well you screwed up, way to go!” And then, I quit again, only to find myself starting all over three months later. Anybody with me?

Well, what if after a bad three days of eating unhealthily, missing our workouts, or not getting up early enough to write in our journal, we just look at our situation. Maybe work has been crazy this week, our child was home sick, you didn’t sleep well. Or maybe nothing happened at all, your body just told you, okay, we are taking some time. What if we just picked up right where we left off with no guilt? What if instead of beating ourselves up for failing, we tell ourselves “I’m so glad you enjoyed your days off, now let’s make a smoothie and get back to the gym!” or “Let’s get back on track and start working on our book again tonight.” Whatever it might be, for you. Make a plan, and stick to your plan, but if you screw up for a few days, DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP AND QUIT! Don’t hang your head low or make excuses to anyone, just get back at it.

Last week, I was kicking myself. The only workouts I got in were the spin classes that I was scheduled to teach. I only made my smoothie 3 days out of 7. I had a McDonald’s happy meal for lunch one day. I was not happy with myself! I found myself getting very emotional about it, and then as I was journaling I had a “Holy Crap” moment. In the past week, my daughter was sick for 2 days, my husband worked overtime almost every night, I sent out 5 photography galleries, I learnt a new software program, I taught myself how to install some photography tools that I had never used before, and I booked 2 new clients. So yes, I never got a bunch of workouts in, and I didn’t eat the best, BUT, I had a very successful week in other avenues of my life. So, I am not going to sit and beat myself up, I am going to stand up and applaud my dam self for doing an amazing job! I decided to celebrate instead. I treated myself to another pajama day. A whole glorious day in pajama’s where I don’t leave the house, and I shut my phone off for hours at a time.

I refuse to allow a bad week to ruin several good months. I also refuse to sit in a space of failure, because my schedule last week didn’t go as planned. If you missed your gratitude practice for a few days, pick it back up and keep going. You missed some workouts at the gym, don’t worry about what other people are thinking, just get back to the gym for YOU, not for anyone else. We are under copious amounts of pressure to be perfect. Keeping promises to ourselves is important, but I also believe that putting to much pressure on yourself can be incredibly damaging and stop us from quitting things that we worked so hard to start. It’s ok to have a few bad days, it’s not ok to quit on your dam self. Love yourself so much you refuse to quit, in business, health, love and wealth. Your life isn’t meant to be perfect all the time, it’s how you come back from those unperfect moments that matters the most. Don’t let a bad week, turn into a bad month, or a bad five minutes turn into a bad day. Talk yourself back into winning. You know deep down you can do it. It’s about loving yourself enough to keep trying.

Thank you so much for reading my blog this week. Please feel free to share on social media, I would be so grateful. Remember to please subscribe to my newsletter, and my weekly blog will land in your inbox every week, and you will on occasion get an email regarding photography specials that are going on.

XO,

Angie

***WARNING SHAMELESS PLUG: My Black Friday special is on till November 30th. My Goddess Package is on sale. Regular $535, now on for $485 AND it comes with a $100 print credit towards albums and presentation boxes! Please note that this special is available through the Boudie bank as well. For those of you who are unaware of the Boudie bank, Boudie bank is essentially a savings plan for a boudoir shoot. You tell me what package you want to purchase. I send you an invoice, and you make weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly payments on your account. Every time you make a payment you get an updated invoice showing your paid payment. When your ready, we book your shoot! Message me through Facebook Messenger or email me at angieleahphotography@gmail.com

I wonder when it became okay for us to talk about ourselves in a negative way? I am no stranger to this action. I have been doing this for years. Comparing my body to my friend’s bodies. Wishing I was taller, wishing my butt wasn’t so big, Wishing I had better hair, hating my one tooth that sticks out further. I’ve done it, we have all done it. But when did it become socially acceptable to self trash talk? 

I was on a shoot where I was taking a course on boudoir photography. I remember the first model showing up, taking a seat in the make-up chair and I looked over thinking, she is my height, she is super curvy, she has great boobs, she is stunning but she’s the model?  Usually models are like a size zero and 5’10. I know, I know, don’t start sending me your hate messages yet, please, keep reading! The make-up artist went ultra glam on her, she laid out her lingerie and after we had chosen which pieces to shoot, she came out of the changeroom and all I could think was, holy shit!!!! She looks AMAZING! I was watching her prance around the room half naked fully embracing her body, loving her curves. You could just tell she felt so good and comfortable in her skin. I was envious. Then it was time to shoot. She hopped up on the bed, I got her into the position I wanted and then I watched her work the camera like she was the next Victoria Secret Model. She NAILED it! She absolutely killed her shoot, and the confidence that radiates off her when you are in her presence was something I longed for. What really made me even more proud and emotional, was that she wasn’t a size 0. She’s an everyday girl, that loves herself, loves her body, and doesn’t give a shit what anyone thinks. Every time I snapped a photo of her, I fell in love with her just a little bit more, and by the time the shoot was over, I wanted to learn how to love myself like that!

I got in my car after that shoot and started apologizing to myself for how cruel I have been. I made a vow in my vehicle that day, that I would no longer trash talk my body anymore. I vowed that I would learn to love myself, start taking care of myself and making myself a priority. What I wasn’t expecting, was how difficult that task was going to be. 

I had gotten so use to looking in the mirror and squeezing fat, telling myself that if I would just stop eating cookies, and chocolate that I would be so much thinner and more beautiful. If I just went and finally booked that consult for Invisalign braces that my smile would be so much better. I was hurting myself and belittling myself, when it really deserves to be celebrated. I started thinking about all that I have done with my body. Running half marathons, competing in tough mudder, Feme sport competition, teaching spin classes, having a baby…. My body can do all of that! I should be thanking it, not mutilating it. 

The stretch marks that I hated, I now love and rock in a bikini. I am proud of those stretch marks, they gave me my daughter. I took a close look at my big bum, with cellulite, and I thought, it might be curvy, but it really is a great bum, and I love how it fills out a pair of jeans. My butt is not big, its’s beautiful! You know, this body is not half bad. 

Day by day, I have made a conscious effort not to speak poorly of my body anymore. If I looked in the mirror at work and my hair was a mess and my make-up didn’t look like I thought it should, I would remind myself that its amazing that I even got to work in one piece this morning…. That is a WIN!!!! “Way to go girl,” I would say to myself, “Your killing it!” I still see reflections some days that I don’t like in the mirror, but I don’t talk about it or complain about it anymore. I accept that I am just having an off day and focus on something that will make me feel good. I like to wear my favourite outfits on those days. I am not going to let one negative thought have that much power over my day or how I feel about myself.

Comparing ourselves and our bodies to models in fashion magazines, or people on social media, is just NOT RIGHT!!!! Your story is not their story, your body is not their body. Most importantly, it is not the actual body that reigns confidence, it’s the mind and the attitude that people really fall in love with.  Fall in love with yourself. With every dimple, stretch mark, purple vein, wrinkle, OWN IT! Flaunt what you’ve got with confidence. 

It breaks my soul, when I get comments from women who say, “When I lose 10 pounds I am going to have a boudoir shoot with you.”  Yes! Of course, I want to shoot your pictures, that is my passion, but what I’m really doing is biting my tongue. I’m sad that the beautiful woman in front of me thinks she needs to lose 10 pounds before she gets some photos done. 

It kills me when women walk into there shoot and start telling me all their flaws before they jump into there first set of lingerie, even after I have stated my no self trash talk rule. They think it’s necessary to tell me as if I haven’t seen it before. Listen, I have cellulite, but my ass is so curvy, and I love how it looks in cheeky bikini bottoms! I love that my now smaller less perky boobs fit into bralette’s, so I don’t have to wear an underwire bra every day! I love that my short legs allow me to rock killer heels. I have taken my old negatives and turned them into my new positives.  I love my body, it’s healthy and strong.

 The more that I have loved my body, the better I have treated it. You would have never ever in a million years caught me with a smoothie consisting of organic unsweetened almond milk, vegan protein powder, 2 scoops of chia seeds, 1 scoop of hemp seeds, ¼ cup of blueberries and 1 tbsps. of natural organic peanut butter, organic greens powder and 1 scoop of ashwagandha. NEVER! I used to wonder how women drank that crap! Since I have started my road to loving my body, I just want to feed it with all the goodness it deserves. That being said…. I still love my sweet potato fries, I love sharing a chocolate bar with my hubby, and going for brunch with my friends, BUT I have started to make small steps this year in giving my body what it deserves. So those smoothies, I use to laugh at, now I enjoy making. How did that happen? Well I have chatted in my blogs about I AM statements, about committing to making my life better and loving myself. I think once you have been practising all these things long enough, eventually your brain just starts to believe it and you naturally start taking on the characteristics of the vision you have for yourself. Since Day 1 of starting this journey, I have written, I AM FIT, I AM HEALTHY, I AM IN LOVE WITH MYSELF. Well, I think my brain is starting to catch on. I picked one smoothie that I thought sounded drinkable, I went to Safeway and picked up all the necessary and specific ingredients and I just went for it. The smoothie does not taste amazing, it’s no Booster Juice, I’ll tell you that! But every time I reach that final sip, I feel so good about the steps I am taking towards becoming healthy. To me, it’s not even about the body anymore, it’s how long can I live on planet earth with my beautiful daughter and husband. You won’t believe the changes that come along with LOVING YOURSELF!  

Give yourself 60 days of No self trash talk and only self love and see what it does for you! I would love for you to give it a try and let me know how you are feeling if you take on this challenge. 60 days. Message me anytime, with any questions. I love when I hear from the readers. 

Please remember this:

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, RIGHT NOW. IN THIS VERY MOMENT, JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE ROCK STAR. NO MATTER WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU, WHAT YOU HAVE DONE IN THE PAST, NONE OF THAT MATTERS. THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IS WHAT YOUR GOING TO DO TODAY AND TOMORROW TO START LOVING YOURSELF, RIGHT NOW.

I am so grateful for each and every reader. Thank you so much for sharing my blog online and with your friends. Please subscribe to my newsletter at Angieleah.com – I won’t spam you! I promise. You will receive my weekly blog and offers on photography that are only offered to subscribers, that is it! Have a fabulous week. XO, Angie

We have all had circumstances in our life that have dropped us to our knees, praying to god to help us and having us question how we will ever go on. Moments where we wonder if there is a god, why he would have us feel such pain, fear and horrific feelings. Whether it’s a death of a loved one, divorce, financial issues, whatever the situation might be, we often struggle to reach out to people in fear of what they might think of us. Fear of being judged. So, we go on day by day, putting our happy face on in public, while our heart is breaking on the inside. When I closed my business in 2011, I did this for years. I suffered in silence, not reaching out because I felt that my business closing and my marriage suffering because of it was completely my fault, I had done it to myself, so I should stay silent. WHAT WAS I THINKING?

I can tell you what happened. I spent years in internal hell. I walked around like a shaken-up champagne bottle that was ready to explode at any moment. Close friends and family would have perceived my life as great, my Facebook feed looked like I was living an amazing life. That was exactly what I wanted. So long as it looked like everything was ok, and nobody knew my inner secrets, then I was fine. But I was the furthest from fine. I was full of anxiety that I had no idea how to control, I cried all the time, and when I finally had enough, I got so sick it landed me in an ambulance heading to the hospital. 

What I know now is, the tragedies in life, and the darkness and fear that we feel and go through are all blessings in disguise to form us into the true human beings that we are meant to be. We can either decide to take the gift or we can sweep it under a rug and choose not to deal with it. There is always light to be found in the dark, and it’s our decision if we choose to accept the gift through fear, or to continue feeling sorry for ourselves and wondering if we will ever get out of our mess. 

It is a choice. You can choose to do the work, which is hard, a daily task to complete on our already long list of things to take care of, but it is the choice between learning from the darkness and using it as fuel to jet towards the light or staying stagnate and living in our misery. I sat in misery for a few years, myself. I would start reading the self-development books to try and learn how to cope with all the pain I was feeling, and it would all sound so great. For a few weeks I would follow the mantras, read the books, journal, and meditate, and then as soon as something got tough, scary or rocked my world again, I quit. This shit doesn’t work. It’s all a bunch of bull shit. Then back to misery I went. I would sit there for another several months, before I would start the journey all over again. I gave up on faith, God, Universe, more times than I am willing to admit.

About a year and a ½ ago my best friend got me onto podcasts. I would listen to Oprah, Tony Robbins, Lewis Howes, Lori Harder, just to name a few. What I started to notice listening to these amazing influencers, is all of the great self-development leaders and the people they were interviewing, were all practising the same things that I would start and give up on after a week or two. They were all doing these practises for peace in their lives. Then it hit me. The difference between how these great leaders are doing these exercises, and how I was doing them was when the going got tough, I quit, and they didn’t. They pushed through even on the hard days. Even on the days where it was difficult to say I am confident, I am strong, I am fit, I am a great mom, I am a great wife, etc., etc. They still did the work. They still found the time to journal, to mediate, even through all the crazy. Our brain has a direct connection to the words we use to talk about ourselves. If you walk around and say, my life sucks, I am so over weight, I hate my house, that is exactly what will continue on for you. When you feed your brain with positive affirmations, sure it may take a while before you fully believe what you are writing, but I challenge you to give it 30 days and see the shift that it makes in your mentality. The next difficult thing is to carve the time out to do it. Personally, for myself, after I drop my daughter off to daycare, I have about a 10-minute drive to work. This gives me a good chunk of quiet time to say out loud to myself what I am grateful for, my I AM statements for the day, and a quick prayer. You do not have to believe in god to pray either. You can pray to the universe, or you can pray to yourself, putting your intentions out into the world, and stating out loud what you are needing guidance with, and what you are grateful for will help start to shift your mind towards feeling great. I promise. These actions however do not stop life from happening. I used to think if I started manifesting, journaling and being on top of my mantras that it would immediately stop anything bad from happening to me again, but things will still come up. The universe will throw tests at you, especially on the things we are working on the most. Why? To test us and see how we react. To see if we have actually learnt the lessons that we are supposed to take from the fear. The tests are designed to see if we have gained the strength to handle tough situations in the future. 

I failed the tests over and over. Multiple times. It wasn’t until my stress and health got so bad that I lost my eye site in my left eye, and started getting ill due to stress, that I knew I had big changes to make. And the change didn’t happen over night either. To be honest it took me almost a full year to get to this point where I am now so incredibly grateful for all of the messiness I went through, because I am so much happier where I am now. I love how beautiful my marriage is, I am so grateful for my amazing daughter, family and friends. And still now, not every day is wonderful. I still have rough moments, but they are moments, not rough days or weeks. I feel it, allow it in my body for 5 minutes, I grab a journal and write it out, or I pray it out, or I self-talk myself out of my situation, and ask… What is this trying to teach me? What lesson can I learn from this situation? 

I want you to know that you are completely capable. No matter what circumstance you are going through, you can and will get out of it if you are willing to do the work. You have to make it your job to feel good. It does not happen overnight, but consistency is key and the more you work on it the faster you start to recover from your traumas. Stop looking at fear and defeat as just that, Fear and defeat. Start looking at the obstacles as opportunities to grow. I promise you, from the bottom of my heart, if you can work through these challenges, it will shape you into the person that you are meant to be. For example, when I was struggling with my career and the direction I was headed, and I would apply for a job I would get so excited and start thinking about the possibilities and how amazing life would be if I got this job and got out of my current job that I hated. When I didn’t get the job, of course I was disappointed. The old Angie would have given up looking for a new job, believed my life could never get better, feel sorry for myself and saddle up for years of misery at the job I was in. Now, I would grab my journal I would let myself write out all the feelings that I have in regard to not getting the job, then I would look for reasons why I didn’t get it:

·     Maybe, there is a better job out there for me with better hours.

·      There is a job that aligns with the direction in life that I am headed.

·      The hours wouldn’t have worked well with Mila’s cheer schedule.

·      It was great interview practise for my next job interview. 

Write out the disappointed feelings first, because we are allowed to feel upset, we just don’t want to sit in it for too long, feel it and then shelve it and put it away. Then look for the positive and KEEP GOING. Roadblocks are just obstacles leading you in the right direction. If you can recognize that and understand that sometimes things don’t work out for a reason and that it’s redirecting you to something even more amazing, you will be able to be more confident and excited, instead of upset and disappointed. That job I didn’t get, allowed me to get a career with a company that I enjoy. My job allows me to be with my daughter and take her to all her extracurricular activities, I am able to book the morning off work to take my daughter on her field trips, it allows me the time to blog and do photography (my passion), and I am making just as much money without putting in hours and hours of overtime. I am grateful I didn’t get that first position I applied for, as it would have never landed me the life I am living right now.

I could write pages on this topic, and it will continue to show up in blog posts in the future. It’s important to know that everything in our lives is changeable if we are willing to do the work. People absolutely can change 100% but in order to do that we have to change our mindset and work on ourselves every day. If I can do it,  I know you can to.  I hope you all have a fabulous week. If you enjoy my blog, please feel free to subscribe to my newsletter. My blog will come directly to your inbox every week. Feel free to share this blog on social media, or with a friend you think might enjoy it. I would be truly honored. Until next week. XO, Angie

Recently, I met up at Starbucks with a very talented make-up artist and an amazing stylist to discuss throwing a boudoir marathon. I love everything about shooting boudoir, the hair, the make-up, the pouring of the mimosa, the pumping music, the lingerie, posing my girls, to editing the photos, the whole experience is AMAZING. The girls and I decided to team up and run a marathon this coming November. I designed an exclusive package, and last Thursday I announced it to my email subscribers, and Friday I started to advertise on my social media. 

On Friday, I felt so proud of myself. I had spent hours creating advertisements for social media. I loved them and felt so happy with how they turned out. Right away I received some inquiries for the sessions.  I wrote them back and sent them all the information in regard to the shoot. I was so freaking excited, literally vibrating with happiness. But by 4pm Friday afternoon, when I hadn’t heard back I began to panic. I had yet to hear from any of the girls I sent the information to earlier that day. I started questioning myself as a boudoir photographer and doubting whether or not anyone would want to book with me. WHAT THE F@$&! I went from feeling so good and excited about the marathon, to completely giving up on myself in less than 8 hours. How does this happen? I got thinking, why amongst all the good, do we choose to fixate on the one thing that might not be going as planned?

This has been spinning in my head all weekend. How many times I have given up on something because it didn’t work out the first time or exactly how I planned it to? As a recovering people pleaser and control freak, I am trying to learn to surrender as much as possible and focus on what I do have control over. I am not alone here. I’ve heard it from many women. “I give up it didn’t work” - after trying a work out plan for one week. “Forget it! No one will hire me” – after applying for one job and not getting it. Why are we doing this to ourselves? Why are we quitting on our goals and dreams after one, two or three tries?

Oprah’s first boss told her that she was too emotional and not right for television. What if she had quit after her boss told her that? Imagine if she just gave up on herself? In 2011, Oprah was the best-paid female in entertainment! I guess it’s a good thing she believed in herself enough to keep going, or she would have never been the richest self-made woman and only black female billionaire. 

Walt Disney at age 22 was fired from the Missouri newspaper for “not being creative enough.”  The amazing WALT DISNEY! He then went on to create Mickey and Minnie Mouse and was nominated for 59 Academy Awards , winning 32, for his animations. Imagine if after being fired for not being creative enough, he would have quit. Take that in for a moment….

I woke up this morning, had a cup of coffee and I began to wonder if it was time for me to pull the plug on this boudoir marathon. After 2 days of advertising on my own social media feed, I was willing to give up on something that I love and believe in so much. The one thing that LIGHTS MY SOUL ON FIRE, the job I have that makes a lasting impact on women. I was aware of how ridiculous I was acting, so I pulled out my journal to write it out.  When I opened up my journal I saw a quote that I had written out the day before, “Doubt is the Killer of dreams. When you challenge yourself daily to take on your fears you’ll see them disappear. Conquer your biggest fears and your dreams will appear.” ~ Lewis Howes. 

 It hit me. How dare I just give up on myself like that? I am going to make a list of what is in my circle of control. The things that I can do to help promote this special boudoir marathon. I am going to believe fully that this marathon will be a go and give it my all. And if for some reason it doesn’t fill, that is not the end of boudoir marathons, I will simply pick a new day and move on.  I have been so blessed to work with so many fabulous women. I am lucky enough to have a shoot next Sunday with a boudoir babe, then four more on November 17. I would say I am pretty darn blessed!!! It helps to sit and look at all the positive going on instead of focusing and dwelling on the what ifs? 

I started a fresh page in my journal, wrote down the date and titled todays entry: I REFUSE TO GIVE UP. I started to write: What would the best version of myself do to help book the boudoir marathon? 

·     Create some ads for social media. 

·     Do an Instagram live this week to talk about how amazing this session is going to be.

·     Print some posters and hang them.

·     Ask the girls you are teaming up with to post to their social media about the event. 

·     Sponsor some ads on Instagram and Facebook to spread the word. 

·     The list of ideas continued……

As I began coming up with some creative solutions to booking some new clients, I began to relax, and I didn’t feel so wound up. I realized that I have not made a big enough attempt at success to give up on this yet. 

It is so easy for us to give up on something that we love before it has even started yet. 

Well, here is the truth! You aren’t failing if you give up, that’s just called giving up. You are failing if you don’t push yourself and exhaust all options to make that dream a reality. There is success and VALUABLE lessons on the other side of failure. If November 25 comes and I can honestly say I gave it my all and exhausted all options and my marathon still doesn’t book, then I didn’t fail, I learnt what works and what doesn’t for the next round.  There is no greater teacher than failure. I have been in the presence of failure many times before, and thanks to failure, I am running a successful photography business and a weekly blog that is connecting me with women from all over. I am truly grateful for failure. 

What are some things that you love that you gave up on? Open up your journal or open up the notes section in your phone and try this: What would the best version of yourself do to help make my dream a reality? Then write down every idea that comes to mind to make that vision come true.  Then surrender. Don’t try to control it. Trust fully that god/the universe/higher power, whatever it is that you believe in, is guiding you. If what you desire doesn’t come true for you yet, then know that it wasn’t meant to be this time around and try again. Be consistent in the action of your dreams,  do not give up on yourself that easy. You are so worthy of your highest potential. Take one small action on your goal today. Then bit by bit, one small step at a time, you will be amazed how quickly you can make your dreams a reality. 

Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for reading this blog. It means more to me that you will ever know. Please feel free to share this blog with anyone who you think might resonate with it. I would be so grateful if you would hit subscribe on my website Angieleah.com. Subscribers receive the weekly blog directly into their inbox and subscribers get access to all of my photography specials. These photography specials are not offered to anyone else. 

I hope you all have a fabulous week. 

XO, 

Angie

I’ve recently had an entire mind shift on the way I view my friendships. I enjoy getting together with friends for lunch, coffee or wine, but I noticed with a certain social circle that the topic use to typically always end up negative about other women. One luncheon often pulls at my heart strings and agitates me that I participated in. Myself and two other women were sitting around a table drinking coffee and one of the women I was with pulled out her iPhone, suggested we cheers the coffee mugs, and post it on social media to drive a few other women crazy. Yes! You read that correctly, we took a photo, posted it on Instagram to irritate other women that we were together and that they weren’t invited. Even though I quite like the other women, I still participated in this photo and laughed when they came up with a clever caption to post with the ridiculous photo. It didn’t feel right then, and it feels even worse typing it out now. I played along with the ridiculous game for fear of losing friendships, even though in my heart at the time… I knew it was wrong. 

But what stopped me from saying something? From not participating in this childish act as a 30 something grown women? Why did I participate in such disgusting behaviour with these women? After a lot of soul searching here is what I came up with: 1) Fear of being alone. 2) Insecurity. 3) Not loving my own self enough to stand up for what I know is right deep down. 4) Caring more about those friendships than I do about myself. 

It wasn’t until I dropped several unhealthy friendships that I realized there was a major issue here. When I was no longer apart of this friendship circle it hurt hard for weeks. I would watch my social media feed and see my use to be friends out with other women, and it would rock me to my core. Tears would flood down my face and I would be deeply devastated, even though I knew the old friendships were not good for me. I would pray to god and ask for the hurt to go away, and when it was weeks later, and it still hurt, I was starting to get angry. Then one day it hit me. Angie! You have placed more care on those “friends” than you have on yourself. Are these friendships worth it? Are these the types of relationships you want to be a part of?

I began swarming for information on my google search bar for podcasts and articles about how to move on, and how to start caring for myself. The first thing that I did was remove these people from my social media. It took me days to complete this task. I was still worried what they would think when they saw I had removed them? Would they talk about me with mutual friends? Then one evening I got up the courage to delete every person off my Instagram and Facebook that no longer served me in my journey to self-love. It was very hard for me to do this, but the relief I feel now, is unexplainable. I had to start surrounding myself with people who are good for my soul, personal growth and who are going to be there for me NO MATTER WHAT. So, I figured if that meant that I have only 1 or 2 amazing friends, then so be it.  I would rather. I was in search of a life change and I refuse to have anything but greatness around me. 

I started to make loving myself a fulltime job. This was extremely difficult at first, and one I still struggle with on occasion. I sat one day and made a list of things that make ME happy, outside of the happiness I receive from my husband and daughter. This was a great learning experience for me, as it was never something I made a priority before. Here is what I came up with 1) Working out. As hard as it is to get myself to the gym some days, I ALWAYS feel better. 2) Photography. I LOVE photography, yet I never made the time to go shoot, practise my editing skills, or set up learning opportunities with other photographers. I quickly jumped on this passion and by May I had launched my website, taken a Boudoir photography workshop with my favourite photographer and started taking bookings. 3) Writing. I love to write. I started writing short stories that eventually will be blog posts for this website. I started to write regularly in my journal, dreams, goals, mantra’s and my daily thoughts and feelings. 4) Fashion. I love clothing. For those of you who don’t know this about me, I use to own a clothing store. When I closed the store, a piece of my soul died, and I decided to rekindle those feelings. No more jeans and hoodies to work (not that there is anything wrong with this AT ALL). I want to wear my beautiful tops, boots, and dresses, and I want to wear them with confidence and feel good about my body in them. 

Every day I write a list of I AM statements. For example: I am strong, I am confident, I am beautiful, I am worthy of love, I am fit, I am smart. At first, this was difficult. I didn’t totally believe what I was writing, but I chose to write statements that I wanted to come true and statements that I was working towards. After you write it out enough times, you actually start to believe it. It took me awhile to get into the rhythm of this exercise, but I allow my imagination to run wild with my I AM statements. It’s amazing, after you write it out enough times, you actually start to believe it.

The last change I made to heal was to bring more love to others. Nothing makes me feel better, then when I see a woman with great hair  and I stop to tell her how amazing it looks on her. Or to send a Hey, I am thinking about you text. When I scroll through my social media and I see a photo of a friend and she is rocking a dress, I like to take the time to comment. I want that friend to know she looks great. It takes two seconds to double tap or hit the like button. It can totally boost that person’s day and make them feel amazing. Spreading love to others is a guaranteed mood changer, in the best way!

It’s been approximately 6 months since I started this journey. It didn’t happen overnight for me. It took small steps. Some days I go backwards instead of forwards. Self-Love is the act of loving yourself no matter what your current situation is. Striving for a better version of yourself every day. I believe in keeping promises to yourself, being consentient in your self love goals, but also allowing yourself some grace. 

 I challenge you to look at your relationships with friends and family. Who are you spending time with that isn’t making you feel good? How can you remove the negativity and drama from your life so that you can show up as the best version of yourself? What are 4 things that make you feel good and how can you schedule this into your life? 

Remember, you are SO worthy, and you deserve to feel good. Take the first step to loving yourself today. Don’t wait! Life is to short. Tomorrow is not promised. It should be your mission to live your best life EVERY SINGLE DAY. 

XO, Angie

I am turning 35 in 7 sleeps, as I write this blog post, (NOTE: I have a 5-year-old daughter, so everything is currently calculated by the number of times you have to go to bed before you get to do something). I would like to say 34 was a magical year, and I can’t wait to tell you all the wonderful things I did, but 34 was a year of transformation, growth, grief, exhaustion, and the realization that I was living with an illness.  This illness was not diagnosed by a doctor, specialist or naturopath. It was diagnosed by a lot of counselling, journaling, soul searching and life coaching. The illness: People pleasing. I want to tell you all about how I came to the realization that I have a major people pleasing problem, and how I went about fixing it. Now, I am not fully healed…. In fact, just yesterday, I texted my friend at work and told her I wouldn’t be joining her on our lunch break, because I needed to clock out, get into my car and drive so I could have a good cry. I pulled 6 Kleenex from the box on my desk, put them in my pocket and bolted as fast as I could to my car with my head down, so know one could see the stream of tears rolling down my face. I was having a day where the repercussions of my old people pleasing ways had hit me so hard, that I uncontrollably couldn’t stop sobbing. 34 years of people pleasing does not go down the drain in just one year. It’s a practise. Like working out, eating right, or any other daily ritual. Some days it’s easy, some days it’s hard, and some days you will fuck it up and fall back into the trap, but the good news is, you can ALWAYS get back on track. 

The day I realized I had a major people pleasing problem, I was sitting at my desk working away at my job when my cell phone rang.  DAYCARE appeared across the top off my iPhone. Shit! I thought as I reached to answer my phone. See the daycare only calls when something is wrong, so naturally I started to panic.   “Hello?” I answered.

 “Hi Angie, sorry to bother you at work,” a concerned voice said, “Mila is in the bathroom and we can hear her crying, but she won’t come out or tell us what’s wrong. She just keeps asking for her mom?” The daycare provider told me. “Okay, could you please put her on the phone.” I answered, “Tell her mom is on the phone and she really would like to talk to her.” 

It felt like an eternity for her to get my daughter on the phone. 

“Ok, Angie here she is.”

I could hear my daughter sobbing through the phone line. Her sadness killed me. I wanted to jump in my SUV and drive to her as quickly as I could. 

“Mila, are you ok? What’s wrong? Tell mom…. Mila talk to me, tell me what’s wrong.” I was freaking out. 

“Mom….” Her voice was the saddest I had ever heard it. “When are you going to come home, I miss you mom, and your never home. When will you come get me?” She cried. 

I was speechless.

 I had noticed at the beginning of the month when signing the attendance report at daycare that my daughter, had the largest number of hours at the center. And trust me, I am not bragging to you when I write this. I was utterly disgusted when I signed my name on the report. To be quite honest it broke my heart on more than one occasion. It is devastating to see that your child is the one that spends the most time out of any other child, at the daycare, because you’re too busy working, to try to become something better than you currently are with your company.

“Honey, I will do everything in my power to get home early tonight. Mommy wants to be with you!” I told my heartbroken daughter as I choked back my own tears.

“I love you Mila, you know that. I am going to work so hard to get home to read you your bed time story, Ok!!”

“Dry your tears beautiful, I’ll be home soon. I love you, baby bug, now go play with your friends.” I told her, drying my own tears with a Kleenex.

“Okay, Good bye, mommy, I miss you!” 

“I miss you more, beautiful.” I said as my heart sank to my stomach.

I immediately went to the bathroom at work, pulled sheets of paper towel from the dispenser and shoved them over my face as I sobbed, trying not to let anyone here me.  

It was that moment where I started to re evaluate my life and ask myself if the torture and pain I was putting myself through, trying to please my boss, so he would FINALLY give me the promotion he promised, was worth it. This career path I chose was not for the love of the job, it was a decision I made to do what it takes in order too bring my family back to ground level after we lost all our money and our house after we closed our business. I blamed myself for the closure of that store. I placed all the guilt onto my shoulders, so I decided, that I was going to do WHATEVER it took to buy my house back and get rid of all the debt. But at what cost? 

No word of a lie, I was like a dog with a bone at that job. My boss would wave the bone above where I could reach, and I would just keep jumping for it. And every time I sat like a good girl with my puppy dog eyes, begging for my boss to finally give me the promotion, he waved that bone just a little higher above my reach. It was as pathetic as it sounds. I did whatever they wanted. I was determined to get that job. And if pleasing him, meant that I was going to get that job, then that is what I did. I did whatever it took, even if it meant putting my own self at risk. Which on several occasions I hate to admit, I did? 

The people pleasing didn’t end at work. either. No, no, no…. I was people pleasing  “friends” for friendships. I was people pleasing family members, for there love and affection. I was masking my own insecurities by people pleasing. The happier other people were with me, the happier I was. As a matter of fact, one of my favourite compliments to hear was, “Angie, I don’t know HOW you do it all???” Like constantly running around, with black eyes, un showered hair, exhausted, bouncing from one place to the next, trying to make everyone fucking happy, is a compliment!!! Looking back, it makes me sick.  I was working hard, making others happy, making people proud, keeping them thinking that I was a super human.

I recently came across a picture of my daughter and I that I took last winter of 2017, and it made my stomach turn. I was mortified. Not only did I look exhausted, but I look lost, empty and lifeless. And that is truly what I was. I was lifeless. I was living a life for everyone else around me, and I didn’t have a clue what I wanted. All I knew was that no matter what, I was never going to allow my family to go to that place of utter darkness again. But the truth is, it only got darker from here. We have all heard, that you must take care of yourself first, before you take care of others. But what happens when you only know how to take care of other people? What happens when you don’t even know what makes you happy?

“What creates joy in your life?” my life coach asked me, shortly after I quit my soul sucking job. 

“My daughter and husband are #1 for sure, my family, my career, my photography, my job as a spin instructor…...” I had no clue how to answer this question. 

“Okay,” she replied looking at me wide eyed, “I am glad that your family is at the top of your list, and your job is important because it allows you to live. I am really glad you love photography and the spin studio so much, but those are jobs, too.” 

I just stared at her. I had no idea what to say? You’re the life coach I thought, tell me what I am supposed to do!!

“Where are you on that list. How can you take care of all these things properly, if you don’t take care of yourself first?”

I sat there in silence, thinking about the words she just said. I thought about the airplane mask demonstration that the flight attendants do before take-off. Always put your mask on before your child or anyone else. Why is that, I always wondered? Well, it’s because you can’t help anyone else with there mask, if your passing out, right? You must put your mask on first, so you can help others with there’s, and YES this means your child too! It’s the same in your daily life. If you aren’t taking care of yourself, how the hell do you expect to show up for your children, husband, girlfriend, whoever!!!

“I don’t know how to take care of myself. I don’t know what I even like anymore. My whole life has been built around making others happy, and I honestly don’t know what makes me happy, other than making those around me happy,” I cried reaching for the Kleenex box, “That’s what makes me happy, making everyone else like me.”

 I was sent home with a list of books to read, some journaling and some meditation exercises to start working on becoming who Angie Leah Jones really is. Truthfully, I still have a lot of work to do to get over this people pleasing business. As tough as this is to admit, the people pleasing tendencies do visit me often, and I have fallen back into the trap a few times over the course of this year. My self care still lacks, as I am trying to build my photography and writing career. However, I now know, that I want to share my stories, I want to empower women, I want women at any age, any size, to look at themselves and say, “I am BEAUTIFUL, I am STRONG, I am CONFIDENT.” And I want them to mean it.  I want to bring women up, in a world that is constantly trying to bring us down. And I know whole heartedly that this is a huge part of who I am, and what I am meant to do. I know that if I can share the battles I have been through, and if I can share the fears that brought me triumphs, then I am fulfilling my life’s destiny. And I believe that all those things are a direct reflection of making me happy and make me feel like the Angie Leah Jones I want to be. 

I am coloring my hair a fun rose gold color that I love but was to afraid to wear, I am saving for the thick frame bold glasses that I have dreamt about, and on my 35 birthdays after years of talking about it, I am heading to the local tattoo shop to book in for the forearm tattoo I have been thinking about for years. Because those things light me up, and are a true reflection of what I want and who I am. And if you don’t like my hair color, my glasses, or my tattoo, for the first time in my entire life…. I DON’ T CARE!  Because those who truly love me, will be there for me no matter what my hair color is. 

So, can I ask you to do me a favour? Whether or not you are a people pleaser, once a week I want you to write down one thing that you can do for yourself, that makes your soul happy. One thing that will fill your cup up, make you feel fabulous, one thing that is not for anybody but you. Some examples: Take a bubble bath with a glass of wine or tea, go get a manicure or pedicure, go to Starbucks and order that fancy coffee and get lost in a good book, take yourself for lunch, whatever feels good to you. One thing a week! That’s it. I want you to find one guilty pleasure and make it all about you. Something that you wouldn’t normally do and go do that thing. Women tend to bounce around taking care of everyone else, and sometimes we lose sight of who we really are. Get into the groove of people pleasing yourself. You will be amazed at what even one hour a week can do for your soul.

I would love to hear your feedback on how yourself care is going. Feel free to email me for DM me through Facebook or Instagram. You are so worth it. 

Till next week. XO, Angie