Forgive Yourself

I have always wanted to write, but I didn’t believe in myself enough to do it. My Grade 7 teacher gave us a short story project, and I remember having a fuchsia colored duo tang that I kept my “novel” in. My novel was about a girl who billeted at my family’s home and the crazy stories she shared with me while staying over the weekend. I remember being so fascinated by her. She had done things with her friends that I had not even thought about because if I had even considered behaving like that my parents would have killed me! I was intrigued, so I wrote. He told me that I was a talented writer. He told my parents as well. But like typical Angie fashion, I had convinced myself I couldn’t, so I didn’t. 

Fast forward to 2018 where I sat down with one of my best friends. A friend who has known me for YEARS. I was beginning to share my personal journey of what I had been going through over the past several years and I shared everything with her. EVERYTHING! All the shit I had gone through since quitting my job. How they treated me while working there and after I left. All the so called “friendships” I had to say good bye to. How I had to part ways with all of the unhealthy people I was people pleasing. How I had lost my house several years ago, and it took me 5 years to buy it back. How my marriage had suffered when closing our business. How my daughter didn’t have mom a home because I told myself, I had to work 65 hours a week. How my credit took a shit kicking since closing my boutique. My vehicle got repossessed. I lost all my credit cards. I lost myself.  Then the final kicker when I lost my eye sight in my left eye and was suffering from stress induced burnout. My friend was shocked! 

“But Angie, I know I don’t live in Moose Jaw, but when we talked, you were happy! You loved your job! Life looked great on Facebook? I don’t understand?”

I replied, “There was no way for you to know. I lied to everyone around me and myself. I certainly didn’t want anyone knowing I was suffering. So, I pretended, I was okay. I could have won an academy award, for how well I acted.”

I wanted people to think my life was great. I wanted them to look at my social media and think, Wow! She may have closed her store, but this girl bounced back! She has got it all going on! How dare I tell other people about my suffering, what would they think of me? My reputation would be ruined! I wanted everyone to think that I closed my business, found an amazing job, and life was fantastic. Hell, I didn’t even tell my husband that I sleep with every night that I was suffering. I went into survival mode. I cared far too much what other people thought of me to even consider my own feelings. My approval came from the happiness of others around me. The end. Plain and simple. That was all I cared about. And if I upset someone, or hurt them in someway, then I did whatever it took to make them happy with me again. 

When I drove back to Moose Jaw, I received a text from this friend. She messaged a beautiful text about how being so open with her about what has been happening in my life, over the last several years has humbled her. That my bravery to speak the truth and being so open and comfortable sharing with her has made her want to open up about her own struggles. She told me she wished that she was half as courageous as I was. How she is embarrassed to discuss her struggles and hopes that one day she will be able. It was that text where I decided to start blogging. I figured, if I can help one woman by speaking my truth and making them realize that by going through real hardships and problems does not make you a loser, weak, or whatever other awful word you can think of, then I want to shout that from the damn roof tops! It’s okay to not be okay.

I didn’t tell people what I was going through, when I was going through it because I was afraid of what everyone else would think of me. But… I am a real human being with real struggles, and I quickly learnt that I am not the only person on planet earth going through a tough time and by speaking my truth I am helping other women realize they are not alone and it’s okay to talk about it. We often think that everyone else has it all together. I guarantee you that the person you think has it all together…. that person has or has had problems before that molded her into the woman she is. None of us are perfect! Perfect does not exist in human form.

I want you to know that no matter what the struggle you are going through right now, you are not alone. And more importantly, I need you to know and understand, that you are going to get through it. I fucking promise you! I don’t want you to sit on the bathroom floor crying, thinking you are the only person going through a hard time, and wondering how you are going to get yourself out of it. I don’t want you to think for one second that you won’t get out of it, because you will. I want you to read about a woman who has gone to hell and back a few times and picked up a shit load of wisdom and strength along the way. I want you to read about a woman who didn’t think she would make it out of her own mess alive, and she did. I want you to know that there is life after losing it all, it just takes a lot of determination and will, but…. you can and will get out of your mess! Let me say that again. YOU WILL GET OUT OF YOUR CURRENT SITUATION. It might be hard! It might be really scary! But I promise you, it will get better. You will wake up one day and thank god for all he put you through. You will look at yourself in the mirror and go, “Yes girl! You went to hell and back and came out of it stronger than ever!”

 You must allow your situation to unfold in its own way and time. The more you try to control it, the longer it will take to get out of it. It is crucial to take care of yourself in the mess. Get the sleep you need. Go for walks outside in nature. Take the time to journal. Make sure you meditate. Do the things you need to do to keep your head on straight. Most importantly FORGIVE YOURSELF. Forgive yourself for mistakes you made when you didn’t know any better. Forgive yourself and find the lessons. It may take days, weeks or even months to truly get the lesson but do yourself a huge favour and dig in and find the lesson. With every chaotic, life changing act -  divorce, loss of work, death of a family member, financial struggle, you are going through this mess to learn a lesson that will catapult you forward in your life. One day, you will look at yourself in the mirror with a huge smile on your face and thank god for all the nights where you stayed up late crying the ugly cry, wondering how you were going to make it through. I promise. 

Till next week babes, 

Angie

Thank you so much for taking time out of your schedule to read this blog. If you enjoyed it, I ask that you please take a few moments to share it or give it a like on Facebook or screen shot this blog and post it to your Insta story. It’s because of your shares and likes that I get to help more women, and they become aware this blog exists. 

In response to last week’s blog, I am going forward with a closed Facebook community. The goal is to provide tools and teachings to help promote self-love and encouragement towards women. Negative vibes will not be allowed here! The goal is to help support one another and provide tangible tools to help women become the best versions of themselves. To build a tribe of support. I am beyond excited and thrilled to be working with a really amazing woman on this project right now. If you are interested in a community of like-minded woman who want to propel forward, then this is the place for you. If you need a group of cheerleaders to share your wins and help you through your tough days, this is for you! Direct Message me if you are interested through social media – Facebook: Angie Leah Photography Instagram: @angieleahphotography or e-mail: angieleahphotography@gmail.com.